Dear Neighbors:
Yes, I'm behind on "The Bachelor", but I promise I'll make this blog worthwhile.
One of the key elements to "The Bachelor" (you can watch it on Hulu.com if you don't have it in your area) is the Sob Story. This is the way that the women "open up" to Brad. As soon as they have a minute alone with him, they share their deep, dark secrets and have a good cry. If they don't -- they go home. They know that if they want to stay, they must invoke the dead parent/husband/pet.
Sob Story #1 Ashley S.
She got the recording their version of "Kiss From A Rose" with Brad. I fast forwarded through this. Boring. What a coincidence that it happened to be a Very Special Song between her and her father. Who, of course, is dead. Ashley sobbed as she told Brad all about her father...as if it happened five minutes ago (I lost my own father at 19. I didn't use it as leverage to get sympathy or favors). Good going, Ashley. She got the rose and the kiss.
Sob Story #2 Chauntel
Chauntel's dad disappeared from her sad, sad life. When she finally tracked down his wife -- he was dead. Not only did she get the sympathy hug and kiss, but she got to invoke the "I'm usually so tough" to excuse her crying. "I feel a ridiculous connection to him." Ridiculous is right, but she got the full on tongue experience, so it was worth the effort.
Sob Story #3 Emily
We have now heard three times about how Emily's boyfriend died in a plane crash and she found out she was pregnant at 18. Okay, got it. I felt bad for her the first time she said it, a little less bad the second time, and was completely unemotional the last time. She put off telling him, just hinting here and there in order to keep him interested. It worked. By the time she finally revealed her sad, sad story, Brad was chomping at the bit and salivating to hear it.
Sob Story #4 Michelle
"I'm a bad mom for leaving!"
Yes Michelle, you are. And you're not very good at crying, either.
'nuff said for now.
Sob Story #5 Allie
Dad had a kid with another woman. This is why she has "trust issues"
Non-Sob Story Madison
She realized that she wasn't going to be able to compete with the sad stories, so she left during the rose ceremony.
The Adventures Of Crazy-Ass Michelle:
Michelle was PISSED that she didn't get a one-on-one date. Instead, she got the huge group date in which they filmed a horrible action movie. "I would like it if these ninjas would just kidnap some of these girls and just take them out to the desert." What a sweetie. Every time Brad kisses someone else, she makes a big show of covering her eyes while calling everyone else immature. Twice, she interrupts Brad with Chauntel. The funny part is that Brad leaves Chauntel both times. What a rude, rude man. If I were Chauntel, I would have thrown that rose back in his face, or given it to Michelle. She worked really hard; let's give her two roses!
Almost everyone got some Brad Tongue in this episode. Dear girls, you have each other's spit in your mouths. Yummy! The funniest part of the show was watching all the girls freak out about Emily telling Brad her story. They knew that it was going to clinch the rose for her. They're not sympathetic towards Emily; they're just scared of the competition. Who can compete with a dead boyfriend who never saw his child?
The Non-Coincidental Coincidences:
Does anyone really believe that Ashley S. just happened to have a date that included a song that was so very special to her? I don't. Nor do I believe that Emily's plane ride was just a fluke. The producers know their shit, that's for sure.
The Rose Ceremony:
Ashley looks 20 years older than she is. Who the hell dressed her?
Brad cautions the women not to accept the rose if they're not feeling it. Aww, how sensitive.
Michelle
Madison is pouting
Chauntel
Michelle rolls her eyes
Madison still pouting
Madison walks away, Brad excuses himself and follows
She explains, in her own way, that she simply can't compete with the crybabies. Stands her ground and leaves even though Brad implores her not to. Good girl.
Brad is a moron. He thinks women should tell him everything right away and not when they're ready.
Brad returns without his vampire and the girls are visibly thrilled.
Lisa
Jackie
Ashley H.
Marissa
Britt
Other girls start to accept that they're going home.
Allie
Lindsay
Megan
Chris makes final rose announcement. I guess this is just a way for him to stay in the game; we all know there's one rose left. Duh.
Stacy "Don't you ever..." Don't finish that thought, Stacy. He hasn't handed you the rose yet.
Kimberly leaves and declares that he was intimidated by her in a bitchy way.
Sarah is crying with the mascara running down her face.
Michelle is pretending to like the other girls. Oh, she scares me.
Sobbing (not),
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