Dear Neighbors:
Throughout my adult life, I have spent more time living alone than I have living with roommates. As I'm sure you know, I've never lived with a man with whom I was in a relationship. I take care of my own expenses and even though I could split those expenses in half if I had a roommate, I choose not to do that. I have done the roomie thing twice now and both times were complete disasters. Living with roomies is a lot like a romantic relationship.
Stages of Living With Roommates:
Stage One: The Honeymoon Period
This usually applies to the first week. Everyone's happy, everyone is the best of friends, and we agree on everything. There isn't a problem that can't be worked out if we're just willing to talk about it. Sigh.
Stage Two: Getting To Know You Better
This goes on throughout the time that we're roommates. Every day we find out new things about each other. I find it difficult to keep the sink free of toothpaste residue, and my roommate finds it difficult not to eat my food. So we come up with a compromise. I'll try to clean out the sink after each use, and my roommate will go to the store for food before lighting up the bong.
Stage Three: I Hate You!!!
At some point, the roommate will do something outrageous for which an apology doesn't even come close to making it all better. This might involve a late-night party which includes everyone who was at the bar. This might lead to the roommates' belongings being stolen by people we've never seen before and will never see again (fortunately, my roommate did the right thing and replaced my stolen property). I might slam the door on the way out to work because I'm in a hurry and I have to get to the store to get food. In doing so, the poster of Bob Marley in its cheap frame might fall on the floor...again. Sorry. In spite of previous discussions detailing the check-out time for overnight guests, one such roommate's girlfriend might only go to school on Tuesdays and Thursdays and spends the rest of the week...at our place while the rest of us want to know when the freeloader is going to start paying rent. All previous agreements have been thrown out the window at this point. When the happy couple cooks a wonderful meal to which the rest of us have not been included and for which our cookware has been ruined, the war truly begins.
Stage Four: Make Up Movies
It's generally a good idea for roommates to avoid having sex, so we make up by sitting in the living room and watching movies together while sharing a communal meal and some beers (yeah, let's say "beers"). All is well once more. The problems have been resolved, and anyone who brings them up again is just Being Bitter and Mean. Thus, we start over with the honeymoon period.
I prefer not to put myself through all that. I have a few pet peeves about living alone, such as not feeling entirely safe and not having anyone with whom to split the bills.
Why I Love Living Alone:
1. Everything is mine, mine, mine. I don't have to worry about anyone burning my best saucepan or their kid throwing up on my beautiful couch. If I make a mess, it's my mess and my business.
2. I can do what I want in any way I choose to do it. I love wearing my pajamas anytime I'm home. I can't do that if other people are around, because it just feels strange. By myself, I can put on my pj's and my fuzzy socks and walk around like that. In the morning, I can run around in various stages of undress without worrying about who's going to see me. I prefer to eat breakfast in the buff so I don't spill anything on the nice pants I just ironed for work. I'm a messy eater when I'm in a hurry, and due to my tendency to procrastinate, I'm usually eating/making my lunch/doing my hair all at once. TMI? I refuse to apologize. See, I'm better off living by myself. For now.
3. It's quiet. As a teacher, I listen to noise all day long. When I come home, I want it quiet. I want to hear...nothing. I have to get up very early, so I can't handle having noisy roommates whose schedules allow them to be obnoxiously loud all night long. And I don't want to hear them having sex. Eww. Just the thought of Loser Mike and his Skankalicious threesome is enough to make me ill.
4. I'm alone with my own problems instead of dealing with everyone else's. There's nothing worse than living with a drama queen whose every discomfort must be brought to everyone's attention. Not to mention those roommates who have visiting children. Yes, your child is cute. Your child is also loud. Not so cute anymore.
5. When I open the refrigerator, my food is still there. I have no problem sharing my food. I do have a problem preparing food to bring to work the next day, only to find out that Loser Mike got the munchies in the middle of the night and ate it all. Loser Mike is unemployed and way behind on the rent, so we all know he's not going to replace what he ate. Following a gluten-free diet means that I can't just run over to McDonald's on my work break. In addition, gluten-free products are expensive and I have no intention of sharing them with someone who sits on his ass all day long smoking weed. I plan ahead, cook enough for the week, and I expect it to last.
6. Every area is a "common area" for me. The worst part about having roommates is divvying up the space. Who gets to sit in the living room with a date while everyone else makes themselves scarce? Whose laundry is in the washing machine? I really need to get a load of laundry going. Worst of all, whose idiot girlfriend has been in the bathroom for the last hour when I need to get ready to go to work? And why, oh why is your baby daddy at the house when you're not? I don't want to talk to him. I don't even want to know he exists. He's annoying and stupid.
7. I can have sex on the couch.
Need I say more?
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