Rent A Husband

Dear Neighbors:

Every once in a while, I think that it's time to stop writing this blog. I decide that I have exhausted the extent of Being Single In A Coupled World and that maybe I'm just at the point where my annoyances and complaints have become redundant and, well, boring. And then I have a conversation with Christine. You could call her my blog pusher. When I'm ready to quit, she shows up with all of the reasons why shouldn't -- essentially feeding my blog addiction.

We had one of those long conversations about our feelings when she reminded me of something that hadn't occurred to me. One of the reasons why I don't always feel great about myself is that I don't have anyone here to tell me otherwise. There's no boyfriend or husband to tell me that those jeans look great on me or that I'm pretty, sexy or otherwise attractive. It's just me. You might want to tell me that I shouldn't need anyone else to make me feel good about myself, but that would be complete and utter bullshit, wouldn't it? If you're at the point where you don't need other people, you're either a monk or living in a forest somewhere.

There are a lot of things in life that are difficult to handle alone. Difficult, but not impossible, as I've found out. Still, I would be willing to pay to have someone help me with certain things. For those of you who are finding the economy hopeless, consider starting a Rent-A-Husband business. You could offer the following services:

(No, I don't really think that marriage is like this all the time. But at its best, these are the privileges my married friends enjoy.)

1. Daily Affirmations:

Your Rent-A-Husband will visit you at pre-determined times in order to tell you that you look great, your ass looks fantastic in those jeans, and have you lost weight? He'll compliment your cooking (I would love to have someone to cook for -- imagine being paid to eat a fabulous meal) and, while asking you about your day, will nod his head in appreciation for the fantastic teacher/lawyer/cook/accountant/single mother/drug dealer you are.

2. Fixing and Lifting:

Just give your RAH a call and he'll come over to fix your sink, build that bookshelf, or move your couch from one end of the living room to the other. Got a spider? He'll squash it for you. Flat tire? He'll change it. I change my own tires, but I'd be willing to let someone else do it the next time.

3. Your Male Representative To The World:

We all know that we're not taken seriously by car salesmen and auto mechanics. Your RAH can step in to show these people that you're not just a single woman to be manipulated and cheated. In fact, you're special because you have a husband. You'll save thousands of dollars by having your RAH stand quietly but assertively by your side as you negotiate with the salesman or find out what you really need to have fixed on the car. He also does holiday parties, weddings and work functions. Which brings me to...

4. Your Date In A Pinch

You'll never have to attend another function alone. Your RAH will go to weddings and keep you from having to listen to wedding story after wedding story while you shrink in your seat and wish you hadn't come. You'll have someone to hold your hand during those scary movies. And let's not forget about musicals, concerts and sporting events. You'll never have to miss out on fun because you'd rather not do it alone.

5. The RAH Caretaker

This one is especially important to me given that I might be facing surgery on my foot (if I've exhausted all of my non-invasive options). It's my right foot that hurts like hell, so surgery will mean no driving. My RAH can take me to my appointment and drive me home. He can remind me when it's time to take another painkiller while he makes me dinner and serves it to me in bed. My RAH can handle the grocery shopping and taking out the trash while I recover. 

6. Listening

It stinks to have a bad day and no one to talk to about it. We all need someone to tell us that we're smart, we work hard, and that whatever happened that Might Get Me Fired/Sued/Arrested wasn't really my fault. A shoulder to cry on should really be a shoulder -- and not the cold metal of my cell phone. I've never cried in front of a boyfriend, mainly because they've never been available to offer comfort. I always get the belated, "Wow, that sucks." The RAH will be there before you've pulled out the first Kleenex. 

7. Physical Affection

No, I'm not calling it sex. Living alone means that I don't get much in the way of hugs, kisses, a hand to hold or a body to cuddle with. In fact, when these things happen, it takes me a while to get comfortable with it, as any guy I've dated can tell you. My RAH could help me get used to these things again. Besides, I've been told I'm a great kisser. The RAH won't feel like it's a job, that's for sure. 

If you aspire to be a Rent-A-Husband, you can reach me at ItsDoro@gmail.com.

Willing to Rent-To-Own, 

D