Are You A Cougar?

Dear Neighbors:

Once a woman gets past what we'll call A Certain Age without having landed a husband or a series of age-appropriate boyfriends, it is often assumed that she will become enamored of dating younger men. 

Much younger men. 

When a man dates a woman half his age, we can rationalize it. He may want to find a woman to take care of him in his old age in return for his fortune (think Anna Nicole Smith) or he may have screwed up his first set of offspring so badly that he wants to try it again. Retirement will give him plenty of time to spend raising those little darlings while his young wife gets her driver's license and has her first legal drink. No one assumes that he is just an icky old man, and the relationship is often referred to as a May-December romance. 

A woman will spend her adulthood adhering to the personal maintenance ritual that will ensure she will still look fresh and young when she is no longer either of those things. As a result, she will attract much younger men. (Men her own age are starting second families with their dim-witted young wives.) These men, unlike the women in the previous paragraph, aren't looking for marriage and family. Often, they're looking to fill that notch on the headboard that hasn't yet been taken by an older, more experienced woman (he's probably already scored the threesome, the redhead, the married woman and The One With All The Neat Toys). 

If you are such a woman, you wonder where society draws the line. In other words, what constitutes a cougar? Take the following quiz to determine if you've been fortunate enough to find a younger man who has tired of silly little girls and is ready for a real woman, or if you've found a boy with a fetish for the experienced, non-committal woman. Read the following situations and keep track of how many of them apply to you:

Are You A Cougar?

1. You or your contemporaries have adult children. Your boyfriend has siblings who aren't yet out of high school and doesn't understand the term "contemporaries". 

2. You've purchased and paid off at least two new cars. Your boyfriend isn't yet old enough to rent a car on his own. 

3. When ordering a meal at a restaurant, you're often asked, "And for your son?" and they always put the check in front of you rather than him.

4. You listen to the same music as his mother. You're pretty sure you got high together at a concert years ago. He wasn't born yet. 

5. You keep pulling up his pants because his boxer briefs are on display. He keeps pulling them back down again.

6. Conversations are wonderful; afterwards, you refer to the Urban Dictionary to figure out what he was saying. 

7. The sex lasts forever and you have to admit that he's stronger in stamina than technique (that's where you come in, by the way).

8. You have a career, a home, and the respect of your peers. He has a part-time job, seven roommates, and his buddies call him "homie".

9. You hesitate to bring him to work functions. When you do, you spend a great deal of time and money outfitting him in Big Boy Clothes to disguise his obvious youth. 

10. All of the above situations apply to you; yet, you're thinking about trading your boyfriend in for someone younger. 

If at least one of the above situations apply to you and your relationship, you are indeed a cougar. 

Visit Cougarland often and thoroughly. Once again, just don't buy any real estate. Rent, rent, rent. 

Come for the attention. Stay for the sex. 

D