Predators or Friends?

Dear Neighbors:


It's been two and a half weeks since my foot surgery and I'm feeling great, albeit a little bored. During the surgery, my doctor reconstructed my foot so it will have somewhat of an arch. He did so by shaving down bone, inserting pins, moving tendons around, removing a bunion, using pins to straighten my big toe (which I'll still never be able to bend, but I can live with that), and stretching my Achilles' tendon. I must stay off of my foot until at least the middle of July.


I'm staying with my mom and I'm finally at the point where I can do most things for myself. My plan today is to make some beef stroganoff and risotto with scallops. I might even be up to baking a loaf of bread. We'll see. For the most part, I have to keep my foot elevated. Here's the view from my seat:

 

Cast #1. I may get a new one on Tuesday.

My mom lives in a senior citizens' mobile home park. Since I'm here for the long haul, I get to hear all of the news and gossip regarding everything going on in the community. Today, I'm concerned about one of my mom's friends.

Rather than using her actual name, I'm going to call her Magda. Mainly because when I hear that name, I think of a brash, outspoken older woman. And that suits this friend to a tee. I've known her since I was a kid, as she lived with her family right down the street. She had two sons, both of whom died in adulthood. About a year after my mom sold the house and moved here, Magda and her husband followed. Last year, he died after a long struggle with diabetes and ensuing complications. During the worst times, he was confined to bed and was unable to take care of himself. Magda wore herself out caring for him and eventually had to enlist help as her husband refused placement in a nursing home.  

A friend had a daughter whom we'll call DeeDee who needed work and was more than willing to help care for Magda's husband. She was able to assist him between the bed and the wheelchair and to help with bathing and getting him to his doctor's appointments. DeeDee was so helpful, in fact, that it seemed she had become part of the family. Her boyfriend, we'll call him Ricky, also starting coming by to help with minor household repairs. I haven't met either of them, though I stopped by anytime I was in town. I was just relieved that Magda finally had some help with the heavy lifting as she was incurring injuries trying to do it all herself. I think everyone felt that way.


He died late last year and DeeDee and Ricky have become a fixture in her home. The first clue that something was wrong was immediately after Magda's husband died and my mom went to the house to help. She was greeted by DeeDee, who immediately went to the fridge and offered my mom something to drink. She was taken aback by the younger woman's familiarity with the house and her proprietary attitude towards it. She was even more shocked to find that long after Magda needed help, DeeDee and Ricky were still a big part of her life.


This would be the right time to mention that between them, DeeDee and Ricky have about nine kids, most of whom do not live full-time with either of them. They're both recovering addicts and neither works full-time. Ricky works one day a week at the Salvation Army, which my mom suspects is more of a community service arrangement rather than a job. DeeDee doesn't get along well with her kids, one of whom is now pregnant and living with DeeDee's mother. They have plenty of time to spend at Magda's house, "helping" her. 


My mom suspects they're helping her out of money and valuables in return for the attention that Magda desperately craves. They hang on her every word and treat her like a favorite close relative. 

 

This is the point at which I explain why we're worried. 

At this point, it's been more than six months since Magda became a widow and everyone in the park (including the park manager) is worried about her welfare. Older people are often subject to predators, and the fact that she has no family nearby to offer attention or counsel doesn't help. 


Why we're worried:

• While playing cards with a friend in the park, DeeDee showed up frantic because Magda wasn't home and she was concerned that something may have happened to her. She left insisting that Magda call her as soon as she got home...as if Magda was required to report to her. 
• DeeDee and Ricky are at Magda's all the time and rarely leave empty-handed. Neighbors have reported seeing them load their car with items from Magda's house upon leaving. Magda insists that those were her husband's things and she has no use for them. Nothing in her house is inexpensive. I tend to think that if they really wanted to "help" her, they would organize a yard sale.

• When pressed for information, Magda will admit to giving DeeDee money from time to time for "emergencies". It seems DeeDee has a lot of emergencies, one of which is that she's been working for the county for six weeks and hasn't yet been paid. One can only imagine how much Magda has been giving her to help her out until she receives a paycheck. If you've ever worked for the government, you know that no one works without getting paid. The stench of fraud is getting worse.  

 No one can deny that the couple gives Magda full-time attention. Her need to be the star of any conversation can be exhausting for anyone. We'd like to see her get involved in activities that would lessen her boredom and reduce her dependence on DeeDee and Ricky. Preferably before she's flat broke. 


This is where you come in, neighbors. The situation is at the point where anyone who tries to speak to Magda about her "friends" is shut down. My mom is concerned that if she mentions it one more time, Magda will no longer speak to her (in spite of more than twenty years of friendship), which means that if things go badly, she'll have no one to turn to. 


What would you suggest? How can we help Magda without alienating ourselves? I haven't yet spoken to her, so I might be the only person who can get away with talking to her about it. 


Recovering and concerned,


D
 

YA Books -- Not Just For Kids Anymore

Dear Neighbors:

I hope all of you have read The Hunger Games series and are craving more young adult fiction. Before I started teaching, I never thought about reading kids' books. Why would I, right? They're for kids!

Not so much anymore. When I started teaching 5th grade, I found that my students tended to rely on me more and more for book recommendations. Having little familiarity with their literature, I had to ask our school librarian (thanks, Anne!) for help. Over the past three years, I've amassed a mental catalog of appropriate books for my students. If a book becomes popular among the kids, I make a point of reading it. 

Utterly delightful.

Waaaaaaaay back when I worked for the Postal Service, I passed the time doing data entry by listening to books on tape. A co-worker, an unforgettable woman named Deanna, would make several trips to the library and share anything she found. I was surprised when a book called Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone started making the rounds. 

I listened to it grudgingly and was shocked at how much I enjoyed it. I was hooked and from then on, I bought all of the books as soon as they were released. I have the entire series in hardback and every once in a while, I'll have a little Harry Potter marathon and re-read the series. As a matter of fact, I think it's time for that again. Soon.

This was the first children's series that truly captured my attention. I think it's because the books are so well written -- they're neither predictable or ridiculous. Yes, Harry always wins in the end, but I always found it believable. All of Rowling's characters are memorable and I felt as though I knew the characters intimately, as if they were my own friends. In a way, you could say they were. 

My next encounter was with the Twilight series. 

Enjoyable. Then zzzzzz.

While I can understand why young people and particularly young girls would enjoy this sort of book, I found it only so-so. The books were terribly drawn-out and it felt as though the plot took forever to move forward. New Moon was the worst offender -- Bella spent far too many pages lamenting the absence of Edward when she should have been Doing Something Other Than Waiting For That Rat Bastard To Come Back. In fact, Bella wins the award (the one I just made up) for The Most Boring Main Character In The History of Books. I suppose that to a teenage girl, the fact that Edward is "in love" with a young woman who has no interests, no ambition and no personality is just dreamy. I find it tragic.

My 5th graders absolutely love the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series. The main character is Greg Heffley, a boy with all sorts of schemes and shortcuts. Sometimes, he's successful in his endeavors. Other times, he's explaining and apologizing. And who doesn't have a friend like Rowley?

Always fun.

 I have a ritual I follow each and every time a new book is due to be released:

• Pre-order several copies through Scholastic.com;
• Find an important task for which my students will be rewarded with their own copies of the book -- the day it's released (returning signed notes, completing all homework, mastering a skill in math, etc....)
• Order an extra copy for my nephew, Derek, and hang on to it for Christmas.

If only!!

Even in the 5th grade, students still enjoy listening to a teacher read a good book. I especially love reading to them, bringing the characters to life through the use of funny voices. It's now become a tradition for me to read The Homework Machine by Dan Gutman. This story is told from many points of view and involves a computer that is tasked with completing homework for four kids who would otherwise never speak to each other. The sequel, The Return of the Homework Machine, is also a great read.

One of my students recently introduced me to the Alex Rider series, which was written by Anthony Horowitz. 

Exploding gum. 'Nuff said.

This series is about the adventures of a 14 year-old boy who is recruited for England's MI6 program in the first book, Stormbreaker. Even though he does his best to avoid involvement in their missions, he's drawn in time and time again. He's a teenage James Bond and has the gadgets to prove it! I'm waiting for my copy of the last book in the series, Scorpia Rising. I'll be bummed when I'm finished with it. I hope the last book leaves an opening for a return.

The series began in 2000 and one of the things I like best about discovering it later is that the technology makes great strides throughout the series. 

 Not all of my reading choices are based on my students' interests. One such book is Matched, by Allie Condie. I've been indulging my newfound fascination with dystopian fiction and this book fits the bill perfectly. 

Fun, but exhausting. Minimally original.

Cassia Reyes lives in a new and improved society where everything has been streamlined for efficiency and to limit the need for making choices (a hallmark of dystopian fiction, it seems). She's been Matched for a future marriage with her best friend and starts to question not only the matching process, but everything about the society in which she lives. The series continues with Crossed and will finish up with Reached in November of this year. Take this as a light read -- it makes up for a lack of originality with a healthy dose of charm.

My main gripe about this series and many others can be summed up with this question: Why must we have a series for every book? I find that all too often, stories are dragged out long past the point where the plot has been resolved. Crossed was such a book; there was a point in the middle that I thought would never end. And following in the great dystopian tradition, I can assume that the final book will entail the outcome of a revolution and the final choice between two equally deserving boys...zzzzzzzzz.....

Not like anything I've read recently, that's for sure.

Finally, if you were a teenager in the 80's, you'll remember a movie called "Red Dawn" with Patrick Swayze and Charlie Sheen (pre-"winning"). John Marsden, an Australian author, wrote a series that kicked off with Tomorrow, When The War Began about a group of Australian teenagers who return from a camping trip to find that their town has been invaded by an unknown entity and their country is at war. The series began in 1993, so I suggest you go back and find it. You're more likely to find it online than in the bookstores.

I would never have the space to mention every book and series I enjoy, but I think this list is a pretty good start. 

You may be trolling online bookstores looking for books similar to The Hunger Games. Keep in mind that every popular idea is copied a hundred times over. Read reviews and look for ratings before making your purchases.

Happy Reading!

D

A Rather Poetic Excuse For A Blog

Dear Neighbors:

I apologize for my long absence. I could blame it on many factors, any of which would be totally legit, but that's just boring. May I offer excuses in the form of a limerick or two?

I've neglected to write my blog

Because my head was in a bit of a fog. 

I lost track of time

And was kidnapped by a mime,

Who sold my snark somewhere in Prague. 

I've simply had nothing to write,

While sitting at this laptop every night.

One sentence is a feat,

And that I would delete

While screaming "It's not quite right!".

How about a haiku? Let's call this...

ADHD

Blogging funny stuff

Easy then, not so much now

My turn Words With Friends.

 

So you get the picture, right? Am I forgiven?

The last time I blogged was January. Since then, I spent two weeks traveling through Italy with my brother and his family by way of the airports in Ontario (CA), San Francisco, Frankfurt, Venice, and Houston. My trip was wonderful and I have plenty of stories to share. And I'm going to. I promise!!!

It turns out that I'm going to have lots and lots of time for that. Remember my foot? The one that hurts all the time? I'll be having surgery next week. Officially, it's a flat foot reconstruction, but it seems that my surgeon will be doing all sorts of things to reshape my foot into something useful. I'm a little nervous about the pain, but very excited to eventually get back to those things I used to enjoy. I won't be allowed to put any weight on it for at least 6-8 weeks. Total recovery time will be closer to three months. Tuesday, May 1 is my last day at work and the following day is the surgery. I'm bringing in a substitute to take over my class for the remainder of the school year. Her name is Beth and I had her daughter in some of my classes last year. I can't think of anyone I'd trust more with my classroom. Financially, I'm going to take a big hit, but once I'm up and walking again, I can get back to fulfilling my dream of becoming a prostitute. Kidding. Really. Sort of.

Before I call it a night, I'm going to leave you with the promise of more blogs. I've lots to say and no one to tell it to. Besides, I held back on a whole host of pictures from my trip just for you!

Apologetically yours,

D

Bringing Back The Snark

Dear Neighbors:


It has occurred to me lately that I've been lacking the snark with which I began this blog. I've been more concerned about hurting people's feelings than I have with being myself. Today, a friend suggested that I bring my laptop to a local coffee shop, observe, and let the snark come to me.


Why do people have conversations in front of doors? I don't understand this at all. Right now, there are two stupid older couples who have been having a long catch-up right in front of the only door. They've been there for at least ten minutes now. Lucky for them, no one has tried to get in and out. Oh, wait, someone is approaching the door, and now the group is shuffling off to the right. Now they're blocking a few tables. Which, of course, means that when those people are ready to leave, they'll have to shuffle away again. When did people become so unobservant of others? I personally don't give a fuck if one of them has a new granddaughter and that she's the first girl in the family, blah blah blah. Have that conversation somewhere else. Like in the oh-so-conveniently placed couches, chairs and stools. Don't have that conversation right next to my table when you can see that I'm writing (as is the guy sitting near me). It's not all about you. And keep your damned voices down. We don't all want to listen to your conversation. I'm sure if I jumped in and offered my opinion, you'd be taken aback.


When did Starbucks = kid friendly? There are several groups in here who have kids. These kids are jumping up and down on the couch and the chairs and shaking the table while I'm trying to write this. I've had to backspace a few times now because my fingers keep hitting the wrong keys. And the kids are drinking some sort of coffee product! Why? Why would you do that? You know that in a few hours, you're going to want your kid to settle down. It's not going to happen because you've just infused him with enough caffeine to get him through an 8-hour work day (it seems that one of the women has three kids. One of them works at the Stater Brothers here in Apple Valley, another is working at the movie theatre and doing pretty well though she really hates the late hours with her college schedule...see what I mean? Why do I need to have this information? SHUT UP!!!). The kids who don't have an electronic device on which to distract themselves are running around and irritating the hell out of me. There's a McDonald's across the street with a playground. How did Starbucks win over that?


The older couples have finally made their way to the counter to place their orders. Seriously? They stood around all that time and didn't even order anything? What a freaking waste of time. One of them actually said, "I guess we should order something now," as if it was an afterthought. As if one usually goes to Starbucks to hang out. It's a business, people! A business!


Now there's a younger couple with two kids. The couple is all over each other, because apparently it's impossible to stand next to each other without placing one's hand on the other's ass. There's some sort of life force that runs between the two of them and if he releases contact for a moment, he'll drop dead. I've never heard of a life force that runs out of someone's ass and through her jeans, but I believe it's true because his hand hasn't left her ass since they started standing in line. One of the kids doesn't look old enough to cross the street on his own -- I hope to hell he's getting hot chocolate or apple cider. Don't give that little boy coffee, dammit! One of the coffee-infused children is now bouncing up and down in his seat while slamming his feet on the floor. Good call, parents! Your kid is now so jittery that he couldn't sit still if he wanted to. And I doubt he wants to. The parents are passing an iPod or some such device back and forth between themselves. It's not entirely necessary because I can hear the music from here. Turn it down! That's what the earbuds are for! One of the kids just dramatically threw his cup away by shaking it all over the place, sending small splatters of whatever it was he was drinking all over the floor before finally throwing it in the trash. Parents are unconcerned.


So now, the coffee-infused children are bugging their parents because they've finally bored of jumping up and down on the chairs and running around the room. Mom keeps shaking her head "no" and Dad keeps trying to get them to go somewhere else. This is why one of the boys is playing with the coffee cup sleeves and the other is trying to stack as many bags of Blonde Roast as he can...on his head. Oh, wait -- the employees have asked him to stop.


The young couple and their kids are leaving. Here's the shock of the day: the kids just thanked their dad for their drinks. Awww. How precious. With that, I leave you and I'm leaving Starbucks.


Fully Snarked,


D

Whoring Myself Out

Dear Neighbors:

Today, I was thinking about the 320 pages I wrote which I'm calling Tales From My Singlehood. I've spent the last year trying to find an agent and a publisher, but so far I've had no luck with that. So I'm going to pursue it on Amazon/Kindle and see what happens. Be prepared for me to bug you about buying it in e-book form!

I love being a teacher, but I hate being broke all the time. Therefore, I've decided that I need to come up with some jobs I can do on the side to make some extra cash.

1. Line Stander

Who loves standing in line? Anyone? Why not hire someone to do it for you? There are going to be times, long before the next holiday shopping season, when the only thing standing in the way of getting what you want is the line stretching out in front of you. I'll do it. I'll stand in line for you. Concert tickets? No problem. Groceries? Got it. Sale at Macy's? I'm your woman. Let's not forget the pharmacy, picking up the animal at the vet, or picking up the kids from the birthday party that never seems to end. I can wait around. I really have nothing else to do.

2. Awkward Letter Writer

There comes a time in one's life when one must write an Awkward letter, text or e-mail. The purpose might be to give an excuse about why you can't attend Sally's Fabulous Make Up Party or why you don't want to go out with Herb of the Smelly Armpits again. This is where I come in.

That Herb...he's one in a million.

Who can argue with that?

Or that?

3. Gas Getter and Car Washer

My mom absolutely hates getting gas and going through the hassle of getting her car washed. For her, I'm happy to take care of it free of charge. For you, there may be a small fee. But if you want the convenience of getting the lower price and not waiting forever behind a bunch of rude people who will race to you the next available pump, you can hire me to do that for you. Seriously. I don't mind. As for washing your car, if you're okay with the fact that it will probably rain the next day, I'll be happy to take care of that for you as well.

4. Entertaining Your Significant Other Doing Things You Hate

No, not that. 

However, I know there are things that your guy likes to do that you don't. Take action and horror movies, for example. You want to see a nice romantic comedy (ugh!) and he's dying to see the latest action flick. You don't necessarily want to send him alone, but you'd rather do anything than see it with him. Send me. I like guy movies. I get them. While you'd have to pay me in popcorn and a variety of illegal substances to get me to see a chick flick in a theater, I'd be happy to see an action movie. After all, they belong on the big screen. Same goes for any event in which he wants or needs to go somewhere and you'd rather stay home. I can stand in for you and ensure that no other woman gets close to him. Anyone for "Mission Impossible"?

5. Waiting Around For the Cable Guy/Repairman

I can only do this on the weekends, but if you have something you'd rather be doing and you have the cable guy coming sometime between 8 and 4 (what's up with that, anyway?) I can come over and hang out while fixes the problem.

6. The Laundromat

I realize that some of you have your own personal access to a washer and dryer, but if you don't, you can hire me to go to the laundromat for you. I can do your fifteen loads simultaneously while writing fabulous, witty blogs while I wait. I have my own laundry to do as well, and the company is second to none. I'm not sure which is my favorite -- the parents who let their kids run around and play with the carts that I need to transport my sheets from the washer to the dryer, or the upper dryer hoarders who no sooner put their stuff in the washer before they're saving the top dryers...just in case. 

Not my sheet, but I can do this, too!

Not only will I get your laundry done, but I rock at folding. My mom recently gave me a refresher course on folding the fitted sheet and I must say -- I learned well. 

If you have your own facilities and just don't want to do it, I'd be happy to come over and do it for you (Christine?). 

7. Phone Calls

The IRS's GOAL is a wait time of 12 minutes. What is it now?

I can't call your mother for you or your step-uncle-in-law, but I can call Verizon to ask what the *&^* happened on your bill, the landlord to explain the reason why your rent is going to be late (again), or the I.R.S. regarding that little tax situation that requires you to be on the phone for what seems like forever (check out Forbes.com) before you even get to speak to a live person. Given the advances in three-way calling, I can always pick up the phone and call for you and send you an e-mail when it's time for you to pick up. 

8. Intelligent Discussion Material Gatherer

You arrive at a party and find that the other guests are talking about the upcoming Iowa caucus. You remember that there is a caucus in Iowa and you vaguely recall that Iowa always gets to go first. You might even be able to name some of the Republican candidates. 

But that's it. That's the extent of your knowledge, having spent your week working and doing all those things that normal adults do. You can excuse yourself to the restroom to Google information on your phone, but chances are that they group will have moved on to an entirely different topic of conversation by the time you return. What to do, what to do?

Here's a basis on which to challenge it -- Iowa's population is 94% white.

When you accept the invitation, you call me and let me know what kind of people will be at the party and the type of things you'd like to be able to discuss with them. I can take over from there by doing some research for you. You'll arrive at that party reading not only to participate in the conversation, but to start it yourself. I'll e-mail you all of the relevant talking points so that you'll never have to worry about losing track of your thoughts. And the other guests? They'll be the ones rushing to the restroom to access Google to save face.

If you're lacking time and have some extra cash, get in touch. Doro to the rescue!

Ready To Help

(for a fee),

D