When Love Hurts, Part Two

Dear Neighbors:

Now that we've gotten the abuse/addiction scenario out of the way, let's move on to the other relationships I don't understand. I'm not sure who said this first, but I think it's important to begin as you mean to go on. In other words, enter a relationship with someone whose faults you can live with. Don't commit yourself to someone you already know is going to be a problem and never think that there's such a thing as love at first sight. First sight doesn't tell you if the person is a drug addict, a thief, an abusive nutjob, or one who shies away from hard work.

Post-Rescue

In the past, I've discussed the different dating types, one of which being The Rescuer. Men are most commonly Rescuers. The relationship begins when she goes on and on about her sad, sad life and he insists on saving her from it. He'll move her out of her current home and into his. He'll pay off her bills, fix her car, and smooth over any "misunderstandings" that have made her life even more sad. 

Men -- never rescue a woman. Once you do, she'll never be able to rescue herself. It's a lot like feeding a stray animal. The animal depends on you for food from now on. If you rescue a woman, she'll look to you to fix all of her problems and you'll be obligated to do so because by rescuing her once, you've given her the understanding that you will continue to do so. It's not entirely her fault. She was probably brought up by a mother who did the same thing. We learn by example. Once you've made the mistake of rescuing her, however, there will come a time in which you will have to let her go. Don't get too upset about this -- it's the way she lives her life, a parasite moving from one host to another. There will always be another host, but you won't have equal relationship until you find a woman who isn't looking for a daddy, a wallet, or a pimp.

Fight Club

We know that the first rule of fight club is that we don't talk about fight club. Relationships are the same way. Couples don't mind fighting in front of people, but they do mind explaining why they're fighting. This is because they don't understand it themselves. After all, they met, they fell in love, miraculously, within a week, and now they can't stand each other. They argue over everything from who was supposed to go to the grocery store to your tone of voice when you asked how his day was. Couples who met in Fight Club will never be happy. They drain their friends and family of their empathy and sanity. Each fight is important to them, but it's all the same shit to you.They go on and on about how they're going to leave, but they never do.

People meet in Fight Club because they don't take the time to get to know each other before they start in with all of the I love yous and we're soulmates and I've never felt like THIS before. In fact, if a couple can't declare their undying devotion to each other within a month, they often insist that the other person is unwilling to commit. And the fighting? It's because the couple doesn't belong together. They have nothing in common except a mutual desire not to be alone. When a friend of the Fight Club couple insists that they're making each other miserable, that person is usually met with 'YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!"

You're right. I don't understand. It doesn't mean I'm not right, though. And if I don't understand, why do you keep asking me for advice?

Going Slumming

I realize that accusing a friend of going slumming is a very unfriendly thing to do. "Slumming" is when you date someone who you consider to be less than you in some way. Maybe this person isn't as educated, lacks refinement, or is in every way...trash. The most common reasons for slumming are 1) When you can't seem to find love within your own circles, you look for one who will be impressed with your lifestyle; 2) You want to save this person from whatever it is you don't like about him or her; 3) The idea of dating someone you consider to be trash is a turn-on.

I have a friend who enjoys the act of slumming. He only dates girls (I would never call them "women") who are uneducated and working in sleazy jobs that require little clothing and a lot of lap dances. He, of course, is intelligent, educated, and well-mannered. His girlfriends are usually crass, loud and completely unambitious. He'll offer to pay for school or some sort of vocational program and he's always turned down. These girls enjoy their lifestyles; they have no interest in changing. Nor should they; if a woman likes to give lap dances, she should give lap dances. Those girls probably make more in a week than I do in a month. But I don't want to hang out with them. Male friends -- go slumming on your own time. Don't bring her my place. I want to meet your girlfriends. I don't want to meet the trash you scraped out of the gutter. 

The Adoption
Not everyone finds love -- some adopt it. A woman who is a cougar is usually realistic. She knows that the relationship has an expiration date and she just wants to enjoy the ride for however long it lasts. Men, however, don't see relationships with huge age differences the same way. Men most often marry their young paramours. In my experience with these men, they do so for one of two reasons: 1) His life has not lived up to his expectations and a woman his own age won't be the least bit impressed. A young girl, however, won't expect much from him. She's so enamored of having landed an older man that she doesn't pay close attention to anything else; 2) He's been brainwashed by the idea that he's nothing unless he has a young, attractive wife by his side. 

So what's wrong with this relationship? Eventually, everyone grows up and the child bride will, too. She'll see her husband for who he is and not what he's made himself out to be. As she grows up, her tastes, values and opinions will change. They won't necessarily reflect that of her husband/father. Fortunately, when she divorces him, she'll still be young enough to find a real man and not a child molester.  

Quick Change

People in bad marriages often justify the choice of a spouse by insisting that he or she Wasn't Like That when they started dating. We know otherwise, of course. He or she was EXACTLY like that. No he wasn't, you insist, he never drank that much. Actually, he did. But you were drinking right along with him in an effort to show that you had something in common, so it didn't bother you. Note to self; alcoholism isn't "something in common". It's two future reservations in rehab. You might say your wife never screamed at you before you got married, but she did. You just didn't care because you were waiting for the make up sex. The only reason you notice the yelling now is because you're not getting the make up sex anymore.

People change. When they're ready to and when they want to. Not when you want them to. Not because you threaten to leave. Some will pretend to change on the threat of being alone, but once the spouse is safely and securely back home, nothing changes. 

You might say that one of the reasons I'm single is that the above scenarios just aren't good enough for me. I'm sorry they're good enough for you. 

Refusing To Settle,

D