The Wheels On The Bus

Dear Neighbors:

I hope, if it's one of those things you celebrate, that you're having a fantastic Halloween. Christine had been hounding me to go to a Halloween party all week long, and I finally relented. You might say, "Why the hell don't you get out for a change?" It had a little something to do with a caveat that I kept hearing. "Don't worry, you won't be a 5th wheel." Problem is, I'm a 5th grade teacher. I can do basic math in my head very well. The numbers added up to five. As you can see from the picture, I had a great time! It was freezing, which is why you can't see the Greek goddess costume I sewed a couple of years ago. Instead, I'm wearing Christine's great-great grandmother's mink coat, which she was so wonderful to lend to me for the evening (however you feel about animal fur, the mink is dead. We might as well celebrate its life by taking it out for an evening. I assure you, it had a good time.) When you look closely at the picture, it's clear. There are two couples and me. It was fun to get out for an evening and especially at a party with a badass bonfire and such a laid-back, friendly group of people. Still, though, 5th wheel. It's especially noticeable when I'm cold and I don't have anyone to cuddle with.

In honor of 5th wheels everywhere, I'm going to explain to the coupled how it feels by using an analogy. I'm in a naughty sort of mood at the moment, so I'm going to be condescending and perfectly clear at the same time.

The Bicycle
As we all know, the bicycle has two wheels. Two. Thus the term, "bi" (go ahead, laugh!). It's always nice to have a spare wheel, but they are rarely used. The rider starts by patching it, then patching it again, and when no amount of patching will restore the wheel to its former glory, it's time to bring in the spare. Welcome to the team, Last Ditch Effort.

The Automobile
Now we've moved up to four tires. Those tires are very, very special. So special, in fact, that the spare is a defective little donut kept in the trunk. That's how valuable the spare is to the driver. Seriously. So the four tires have their air pressure checked, get rotated among the other tires, and if there's a blowout, the driver will lament the loss of the damaged tire for much longer than appropriate. "Why?" he wonders in desperation, "Why did the tire blow? I don't understand!!" In the meantime, the donut appears, a measly little tire that no one really cares about. In fact, the driver will scoff at the donut, hurling such insults as, "I have to drive on that?" Poor donut. In the meantime, the donut does the same job as everyone else, only to be cast aside at the first opportunity.

Sigh.

What I'm saying, folks, is that it's two, not three and four, not five. and so on. Pairs are pairs for a reason. Three is always a crowd unless you've already worked out some sort of arrangement in that regard. I'll continue to go along with the 5th wheel thing as long as you stop kidding yourself that I'm not going to feel like one. I can count, remember?

Boo!

D