Couples Say The Darndest Things

Dear Neighbors:

**Disclaimer -- while I'm not feeling the snark as I was before, I still love to dish it out. Don't take offense. If you do, you need to unclench.

There is no greater trauma for a single person than to be caught in the middle of a group of couples yammering away in Couplespeak. Aside from the headaches, the nausea and the urge to expel oneself from the room, there is the sad fact that we are not allowed to laugh while this is taking place. Oh, the tragedy. They go on and on about their relationships while using the buzzwords of the day to show they're not behind on the Self-Help Craze of the Moment.

In the spirit of feeling a little wicked this cold, windy morning, I give you --

The Singlehood's Guide To CoupleSpeak

"We're soulmates!!"
In the English language, we have different ways of expressing rank. One such way is good-better-best. When it comes to relationships, they're subjective. So couples made up their own ranking system. I don't quite understand it, but I know that being soulmates is like being in the best relationship EVER. And the bonus is that when you move on to your next soulmate, you don't have to admit to being soulmates with this one. It starts over. Excitement and convenience in one little package.

"We have true intimacy."
If you hear one of your coupled friends say this, it means that they're in couples therapy. Easy translation. I don't know which crackhead was responsible for introducing that usage of that word to the vernacular, but let me give him my middle finger as a thank-you. Couples love to talk about their "intimacy issues". Apparently, one has to be so close to one's significant other that one can pee for the other. No space allowed! When I hear the word "intimacy", my mind goes off to a place where people don't use words like "intimacy".

"We haven't been apart for a single night!"
Your friend will express this to you as the height of romance, but you know otherwise -- one or the other person in the relationship is jealous. Someone cheated, and now anytime they're apart for an evening, they're in constant contact via cell phone. At least until one or the other insists that someone better come home. Now, they don't spend evenings away from each other. Ever.

"She made me a honey-do list"
Uh-oh. This means she's been asking him to get stuff done around the house for months and he's been watching the game, playing golf, and doing anything but finishing his chores. Now he's in trouble. Once she wraps up that request on a piece of pink paper with "Honey Do" printed at the top of it, he knows his time is running out. Every woman uses a different form of punishment -- some withhold sex, others go shopping. What's yours?

"We're best friends!"
Yes....but you realize it's by default, don't you? Your single friends couldn't stand listening to the two of you.

Oh, that was fun.

Doro's back.

D