It's Never Really Over...Is It?

Dear Neighbors:

Recently, I had a wonderful conversation with the mother of one of my students. She was telling me that she married her (younger!) husband at 42, had her daughter at 44, and finds that her lifelong independence is an asset to her marriage.

Who woulda thought?

I've been under the impression for a while that the older I get, the less chance I have of meeting a nice man, getting married and having kids. I often wonder if I should have focused on marriage and kids in my 20's.

The Pros and Cons of Marriage and Kids at Any Age:

Teens (just for the record, I don't believe teens should EVER get married or reproduce intentionally):
Pros: Lots of available males and few of them have any significant baggage. In addition, by the time your first set of kids are out of the house, you can get started on another set. Loretta Lynn spread out her childbearing over 20 years. You can get your adult children to help out with your babies.
Cons: The whole "how are you going to go to college and make a decent living for your family if you get married and have kids before you're even twenty" thing. Not to mention that if everything you know about men is based on your 18 year old husband, you don't know anything.

20's
Pros: Once again, male availability is a bonus. In your 20's, you don't have to think about having to settle for someone. This is when you list your must-haves and deal-breakers and stick to them. Not only is your fertility at a peak, but if you have children in your twenties, you have the energy to keep up with them and your doctor doesn't give you that "just because you can doesn't mean you should" look. Finally, if you have children in your 20's, they're out of the house long before you're ready to retire.
Cons: Men are still pretty immature in their 20's. Not that women are much better, but men tend to be a bit behind. You can grow up together. Unfortunately, by the time you're finished you may find that you don't have anything in common. Hey, that's what second marriages are for. Or is that thirds? Women who marry in their 20's (and earlier) tend to rely more on their spouses and are less independent, at least from my observations.

30's
Pros: You have a career, your own place (even if you have roomies), and the only thing that's missing is someone else. By now, you've dated enough that you know how to tell The Nice Guy apart from The Cheapskate. Your dealbreakers list is getting smaller, but it's still in use and possibly even relevant. Your friends and family have married, divorced and had kids, so you have role models and anti role models.
Cons: The farther you get into your 30's, the more it will appear that you need to settle. Your friends and family will start offering undesirable alternatives, such as the guy who had that "little nosepicking issue" or "five kids by five different women". This is also the point you realize that men in their 30's are dating women in their 20's and maybe you should start dating older men.

40's
Pros: You're still out there, aren't you? You're independent, you support yourself, and a significant other would make it all complete. You've dated so much that you can spot The Asshole a mile away. If you choose to have children on your own, you have the maturity and resources to be a success as a parent (or so I hope!). Younger men are throwing themselves at you hoping that everything everyone says about cougars is true (it is, and then some).
Cons: Now you need to look for men in their 50's. Men your age are dating women much younger than you. Younger men are fun, but they're rarely looking to settle down, particularly with an older woman. When you do find someone, he's not going to have to stress over you because you're a mature, independent woman. You're not going to cling to him, insist that he make every household decision, and whine about being alone when he's on a business trip (or when YOU are).

50's and above
Pros: Now that having children isn't an issue, you can abandon all of your parenting-related dealbreakers. You can date a man for who he is and not what kind of father he'd make.
Cons: The dating pool gets smaller and stranger, and still men are trying to hook up with the youngest women who will have them.

Regardless of how old you are, do what it is you do in whatever way you're comfortable doing it. Don't worry about how everyone else is doing it.

D