Dating Technology Wish List

Dear Neighbors:

I spend my day using technology to teach 5th graders. It occurred to me that if technology could be specifically applied to dating, it would make the whole process that much easier. Sure we have computers, but they're not specifically geared to dating. What we need is an entire branch of technology is that dedicated to human relationships and how NOT to screw them up.

Dating Technology I'd Like To Own:


1. The Attachment Meter:
This device is worn on the wrist and lets potential love interests know where you are in the attachment cycle:
Green: It's all good. Everyone's happy, no one's in love, and the earth hasn't quite moved yet.
Yellow: The earth moved. You now have a limited amount of time to decide if you're going to stick around or move on.
Red: Fully attached. If you leave, be prepared for phone calls and text messages.

2. The Signal:
Worn as a necklace, this signal is best worn at a large gathering, like a bar or club. Look directly at the individual. If his or her necklace turns green -- you're in. You can safely approach. If the light turns red, however, back off. He/she wouldn't touch you with a ten-foot-pole.

3. The Friend & Family Check:
You're not in unless the friends and family like you. You can go to a website, type in the name of your love interest, and receive information about friends and family. For example:

John Smith
Mom: Likes cats, hates dogs, thinks women who wear makeup are whores.
Dad: Likes dogs, hates cats, and defers to his wife.
Friend #1: Tells stupid jokes and expects everyone to laugh. Will pick up the check at dinner, but not without making a big deal about it.
Friend #2: Seems nice, but is racist, sexist, bipolar and somewhat flatulent.

It's all in the preparation, folks.

4. The "Faking It" App
No, no that.
How many times have you shared the company of someone you'd like to know better, only to have the conversation go in a direction you don't understand? You could care less about wine, art films, sports, bass fishing or whatever, but you want to keep your date interested anyway. Excuse yourself to the restroom and take out your cell phone, on which you've installed the app. From there, you click on a topic and a variety of intelligent phrases appear.

Wine:
"What an enticing bouquet. And the finish? To die for."

Art:
"Oh, that painting? Art for art's sake." (if he/she knows Dante said it first, pretend to be impressed.)

Sports:
"(insert date's favorite team) were robbed!"

Keep the conversation going. Fake it.

5. The Lie Detector
There are two pieces to this time-saver. Why date a liar, right? The first piece is the size of a quarter and is placed on the table near the target. It will monitor his/her speech and distinguish lies ("I'm on a sabbatical from work") from the truth ("They fired me after I got drunk during a staff meeting and peed on the conference table"). The second piece is a hardly-noticeable wrist sensor which will vibrate every time your date tells a lie. If it starts to tickle or if your wrist becomes numb, you should either turn off the sensor or end the date.

6. Child-O-Matic
Someone had to say it. This application, installed on your cell phone, can determine what you and your date's children will look like. A drop of blood in the slide-out syringe can provide additional information, such as if that hook nose is hanging out on a dominant gene, or if your flaws and his would just be too cruel to inflict on a child. If it turns out that the image of your future children inspire a second date, so be it.

7. Interest Patch
Everyone should be required to wear one at the beginning of a relationship. It starts out skin color, and turns pink as one's interest grows. When it turns red, interest is complete -- you're in. If it starts to turn gray, you're in trouble. By the time it's black, the interest has waned and it's time to start all over. Don't fear -- the Interest Patch comes in a pack of ten.

8. The Drunk Dialing Block
So you two had a fight. You're drinking and now you're ready to call him. This fantastic app will come with a nozzle attachment. You blow in and it works like a breathalyzer -- only if you're drunk, it won't let you call Him. Or Her. Safety first, my friends.

9. Door Cheat Detector
You can't always tell if you've been cheated on, but there may be tell-tale signs that you're not seeing. The Door Cheat Detector is a thin wire that's installed around your front doorframe. It picks up on signals, scents and just plain vibes from your significant other and sends the information to your e-mail. What you choose to do with the information is up to you. If the e-mail contains the warning: "Potential skank alert" -- you may want to make up your mind soon. Ewww.

10. The Cardio-Rewind
This is the device we all wish we had...when the magic is over, the relationship has ended and it's time to move on, it can be impossible to do so. Sometimes, all we want to do is revel in the good times and insist that the bad times weren't bad enough to end it, not really. We want to cry when we see him with someone else and we do -- and we don't -- want to know what the new girlfriend looks like. The Cardio-Rewind is a lovely hypnosis DVD designed to get us over our last relationship The Easy Way. In this relaxed state, the DVD can truly serve its purpose, which is to persuade the viewer that the relationship is better ended and that it's time to move on. By the time the DVD is over, the formerly heartbroken viewer is ready for a evening out -- and a snack.

To the next Tech Super Genius -- the preceding message is my Christmas list. Do what you can.

D