Sex Happens

Dear Neighbors:

Allow me to offer this caveat before you begin reading -- the opinions expressed in this blog apply, and only apply, to adults. By adults, I mean 25 and older. If you're younger than that, feel free to read this but don't consider yourself part of my target audience. You're not. Yet. 

 

For those of you who are still dating, you probably have one of the same concerns as I do -- when is it time to, as one of my friends used to say (before he entered SmugMarriedLand), seal the deal? I have dated men who were difficult to put off from the very first date. I wasn't entirely sure whether I should take it as a compliment (he wants me!) or an insult (he thinks I'm a whore!). In any case, waiting until the time is right can mean different things to different people, such as when the time is right to move the relationship forward, or when the time is right to keep him from looking elsewhere (think stopgap measure).

I know what some of you are thinking -- if he's pressuring me, I should just walk away. He's not a gentleman. I should move on and find someone else. The problem is that there are fewer someone elses out there at this point. Some of you are horrified, wondering why one wouldn't just wait for marriage. I'll deal with you later. 

First Date Sex:

Why: Your date is sexy as hell and equally as stupid. You don't see yourself going out again, but you wouldn't mind giving or getting a little consolation prize.

Why Not: You can't possibly know this person well enough to determine if there is an STD you need to avoid (remember, condoms only offer limited protection). What if the stupidity was just a nervous tic and you really do have plenty in common? Well, now you've blown it (literally and figuratively). First date sex doesn't often lead to a second date. It may lead to a booty call, however. 

Second Date Sex:

Why: You like each other. You really like each other. You've exhausted all topics of conversation and have determined that you're soulmates (cough, cough, sputter, laugh). So why not? 

Why Not: Because first of all, there is no such thing as being "soulmates". And if there were, you wouldn't find that out on a second date. Add in all the reasons from the First Date Sex and there you have it, folks. If you want to continue a good thing, keep your clothes on. If you don't really care, get funky with it.

Third Date Sex:

Why:  Because, at least in the United States (my foreign readers, this would be a good time to jump in and let me know what the standard is in your country), men feel entitled to sex by the third date. I'm not sure if it's because they're paying for the activities and want a little something in return or if they just want to know by then if you're really into it or just a tease. I am not the least bit opposed to third date sex, as long as you've spent plenty of time getting to know each other through that old-fashioned method we call conversation. Keep in mind that it's still very early in the relationship. You're going to be bummed if there's no fourth date. 

Why Not: Because you're going to be bummed if there's no fourth date. You can't possibly know this person well enough to be able to predict if the third date sex is a reflex or an "I want you so much I can't possibly wait any longer" thing. In addition, waiting is hot. Anticipation is the best aphrodisiac. 

On that note, sex doesn't always come naturally between two people, no matter how much they like each other. Sometimes, it's best to work up to the actual "deed". While you're waiting, you can get to know this person both emotionally and physically. 

Three Month Mark:

Why: If you've waited this long ("this long" meaning regular dates and contact -- not the third date) and the other person hasn't run, it probably means that you're both in it for the long haul. By now, you've explored each other's personalities to a great extent and bodies to a limited extent and having sex now is almost like a final exam -- or a graduation.

Why Not: If it's been three months and you're still not sure if you want to have sex, you probably shouldn't. Something in your subconscious is telling you that it isn't right -- or it just isn't right yet. There's nothing wrong with waiting until you're comfortable, but be warned that your partner may think differently. 

And on that note, a monogamous relationship means that you are only having sex with each other. So if you're not having sex with him/her...someone else might be. I'm just saying.

Six Month Mark:

Why: After six months, you should know this person well enough to make a decision on this. If you're doing everything but, you're what we call a tease. This is a good point to either give yourself completely or walk away. 

Why Not: Because you want to end the relationship. And believe me, it will end. Sex has to come into the picture eventually. How can you possibly say that you're (cough, cough, sputter, laugh) soulmates if you're hesitant about something that's completely natural between two people who, uh, really like each other?

Reaching this point with no sex means that you're either waiting for marriage or...I have no idea. 

Wedding Night Sex:

Why: Your own personal religious or moral code dictates that you must be a virgin on your wedding night. Without an ounce of sarcasm (I'll save that for the why not), that's sweet and it makes it much more special. Probably. 

Why Not: There was a time when being a virgin on one's wedding night was so important that the evidence thereof was considered mandatory the next morning. Sex was more for procreation than for pleasure, and the phrase, "my right" was often used. We're not there anymore. 

If you're a woman, it kinda hurts the first time you have sex. Do you really want to wrap up a day of celebration and romance with "Ouch!"? The other problem, of course, is that not every couple is going to be sexually compatible. Sex is much like food. Some prefer the savory, others the sweet. When you're legally committed to each other, it's much too late to find out that you don't like the same things in the same way.

However, whenever and wherever you do it, use a condom. 

D