Dear Neighbors:
I was reading a funny article about how to deal with those holiday blues. From November to February 14th, singles everywhere are challenged to stay calm, sane, and to keep our mouths shut while everyone around us is being feted, gifted, and often Jareded ("Jareded" -- to give someone a gift of jewelry). We are expected to be happy for our newly coupled friends and ecstatic for those who insisted on getting engaged while oohing and ahhhing over baby's first X-mas and that cute ornament the little one made in school. In the meantime, however, we're really thinking, "How did I get here...again?"
Yeah, it's all about us.
In honor of the sheer torture that the holidays can bring, I offer you...
Fun Things You Can Do To Distract Yourself From the Freaking Joy to the Freaking World:
1. Walk around saying "He went to Jared!" in as many funny voices as you can create.
2. When your friends show you their engagement rings, yell out, "He went to Jared!!"
3. Don't let your married friends one-up you with the great gifts they got from their spouses. Remind them that you've been getting lots of gifts as well. Such as the mail from the mailman, the receipt you got when you bought that last gallon of "wash away my misery" vodka, and the brand-new telephone book that was delivered right to your door.
4. Since singles give more gifts than we get, do your wrapping carefully. Use as much tape as you can. Leave no corner uncovered. Watch in fascination as the recipient struggles to get the wrapping paper off. When they discover, after all of that effort, that the gift was purchased at the Dollar Store, pretend to be excited for them.
5. Tell stories about your torrid affair with Santa Claus. "So he gave you diamonds. He gave me multiple orgasms. He likes me better than he likes you."
6. Carolers may come to your door. Interrupt their joy and start making requests, such as "Rock n Roll All Nite", ""Achy Breaky Heart" and anything by Neil Diamond.
7. When you see little dogs dressed up for the holidays, point and laugh. It's all you can do, really.
Happy Holidays!
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