My Understanding Of Relationships

Dear Neighbors:

My latest "match" from Chemistry.com was listed as "separated". Not single, not divorced nor widowed. Separated.  Isn't that another way of saying "married"? I sent them a nasty e-mail complaining about it. I did, after all, specify that I was interested in men who are single, either through their own singlehood, divorce or death. Not separated. Separated means married. 

Couples have bizarre ideas of what constitutes a relationship and when it's okay to see others. I wonder if I can get all of the categories and their respective requirements straightened out in my head (and on my blog!):

Single:

Unattached: If dating, not in a monogamous relationship. Free to date/sleep around. Interested parties may approach freely and openly.

Attached: Seeing someone. Might be monogamous. Still, acceptable to approach.

Boyfriend/Girlfriend: Tells everyone that they're a couple and they're monogamous. In reality, one or the other may still be looking. Approach with caution and stealth. 

Promise Ring:

This is for teenagers. It's not a real relationship, it's a stopgap to keep her from looking elsewhere. Do not approach. Only children wear promise rings. 

Committed:

The couple tells everyone they're monogamous and considering working towards thinking about the possibility of maybe eventually making it official. Maybe. One or the other is probably still looking/flirting/cheating. If interested parties wish to approach, there's no time to waste.

Engaged:

Ring, no date: This is an engagement for show only. Either the "bride to be" is pregnant and they're holding off on the wedding until she can fit into her dream dress, or the groom to be is trying to keep her from leaving him since he has no intention of getting married anytime soon. Chance of wedding: 10%. Should you approach, be prepared to up the ante. Go big or go home.

Ring & date: Oh, they're getting official. Chances of wedding: 50% Until the wedding date passes, do not approach and do not show interest. The worst time one can break up a relationship is when the bride has bought the dress, booked the venue, and picked out the invitations. You'll just be the asshole (regardless of whether you're male or female!). Should the date pass without a wedding however, you're in. Someone's going to need a hand to hold. Or something else...

Married:

Don't. Just, don't. Do you want to be a homewrecker? 

Open Marriage (or, "marriage for people who don't want to be married"):

This is what we call the best of both worlds. Not only is the couple somewhat committed to each other and enjoying the wedding gifts, but they get to have sex with whomever they choose. Couples who prefer this arrangement aren't always open about it, so you may have to wait to be approached rather than doing the approaching yourself.

Bad Marriage:

You'll know how to identify this because you'll hear these cliches --

"She doesn't understand me"

"We don't have sex anymore"

"We're only together for the kids"

Run fast and run far. 

Separated:

This couple can't figure out what the hell they're doing. Offer comfort without physical contact. You'll never know if they're really trying to work on the marriage, or if they're taking the requisite time apart while they work out the details of the divorce or custody arrangements. If you choose to insert yourself into the situation (pun very much intended) at this point, you're just going to end up hurt.  It's not worth it!! 

My personal opinion is that separated people should never date. They should be spending their time trying to figure out how they screwed up their marriage in the first place and planning not to screw up again instead of dating and just making the same mistakes over and over again. 

Divorced:

Divorced is only divorced if there are legal documents stating that the divorce is final and that the former couple no longer has any obligations to each other as a couple. This is the difference between divorced and merely separated. That said, be careful about dating anyone who's been divorced. It's acceptable to approach as long as you're not looking for a commitment. A year or two after the divorce, you can consider becoming the next spouse. Give him/her some time to adjust before you jump in. You don't want to end up with someone who is still comparing you to the former spouse. Eww.

Widowed:

Men who are widowed are much more likely to jump into a new commitment within a year of the spouse's death. Men have a more difficult time adjusting to being alone, mainly because he's gotten used to having a wife to take care of things -- and him. Women who are widowed often make a new start for themselves; they may seek out a new career, spend more time with the children, or find new interests and hobbies in order to fill the void. Starting a relationship with a widow or widower takes patience, caring and finesse. You must expect to hear about the deceased spouse and how wonderful he or she was. You may discover that you're a substitute -- that's because you are. Give it time. That's all I'm saying. 

Happy Coupling (or not!)!

D