You Don't Understand Marriage

Dear Neighbors:

As a lifelong single woman, I am often told that I don't understand what it means to be married or to be part of a family. I hear that I have it idealized in my head and therefore can't truly understand it.

Let me clear up a few things.

1. I grew up in a 2-parent home. My parents were married to each other. Unlike some of you, they got married first and started a family later. Each and every day was not bliss. They didn't walk with their feet off of the floor, gazing adoringly into each other's eyes and singing. What they did, however, is always show each other that they loved each other, even if they didn't like each other very much at times. I could see that just as clearly as I can see the same things about your marriage. You assume that my disenchantment with being single has to do with some fairy tale I've worked up about marriage. It isn't. It has to do with being alone. I'd rather fight with someone than debate whether or not to go to your party knowing that you expect me to come alone and all your other friends are married so there won't be anyone for me to talk to (remember, I have to be careful whom I speak to at a party -- I'm single).

2. You're not that complicated. I know you like to think that your relationship is so very different from every other relationship and that somehow, I can't understand it. You are more than welcome to keep thinking that if it makes you feel better, but try to remember that you pull no punches in criticizing your spouse, nor do you show any discretion in talking to me about it. Therefore, I understand completely why you two fight so much and why, every time you say you're going to leave, you don't. You're a person, not a computer. I get people.

3. I grew up in a family, therefore I understand family dynamics. My sister was trapped in a car with a couple who decided to fight with each other. They were too far away from home to drop Suzan off so she could be free of this horrific display of rudeness, so she was stuck listening to it. One mistake that married people often make is trying to pull their friends into their fights. When the wife tried to get Suzan's opinion and discovered that it didn't reflect her own, she told Suzan, "You just don't understand family dynamics!" and continued to fight -- leaving Suzan feeling not only humiliated, but trapped because she couldn't just get out of the car and go home (Texas, folks. There's not always a cab when you need one). Suzan understands families, just as I do. We grew up in one. The fact that Suzan had some distance from the situation should have made her a good mediator, but the couple was too wrapped up in their own "dynamics" to consider that they could have had an unbiased, objective, intelligent opinion if they had just asked for one. Couples -- fight on your own time or be willing to listen to input.

4. Yes, I do understand the benefits of being single -- what are they again? Last night, a friend told me that I don't understand how free I am. Free, he called it. Free to go out and do whatever I want (alone). Free to have sex with whomever I want (now I'm a slut?), free to watch whatever I want on tv (wish I could afford cable), and eat whatever ice cream I want (a spoonful, maybe. I still have to keep up my appearance so I can date).

I'm trying to understand you. Now you try to understand me.

D