What's On The Menu?

Dear Neighbors:

When I take a step back and really look at my friends' relationships, it doesn't take long to figure out who's in charge. While most couples believe they have an equal partnership, this is rarely the case. To the outsider looking in, the dominant party in the relationship is obvious. In spite of this inequality, those who are coupled tend to be quite judgmental about whom I date. I find that there are a few different types of men, and each has his pros and cons.

The Nice Guy
Pros: This is the man who will do anything for me. He'll drive me to a doctor's appointment, give me a massage, take me to dinner and pull out my chair for me. He stands when I leave the table and encourages me in every way.
Cons: When the guy at the next table gets loud and drunk and says something about my cleavage, Mr. Nice Guy will ignore him. As a matter of fact, this sweet man doesn't like confrontation with anyone. Including and especially me. When I tell him that we have a problem and we need to talk about it, he'll change the subject. As long as everything is sweet and pleasant and neutral, Mr. Nice Guy is happy. Now translate to the bedroom and you'll understand why the next guy seems so appealing.

The A-Hole
Pros: Unlike Mr. Nice Guy, the A-Hole is fun. Lots of fun. He'll call from around the corner and insist that we go do "something crazy". When my neighbor is being obnoxious, he'll confront him in such a way that the neighbor is never a problem again. And the sex. Oh....the sex.
Cons: Yes, the sex is great. As it probably is with everyone he's currently dating. The A-Hole doesn't see any reason to be monogamous, nor does he think it's any of my business if he is sleeping around. And the neighbor who is not a problem anymore? He's shaking in his shoes because the A-Hole threatened him. While he'll show spontaneously, he won't show up when he's supposed to. If I complain, he'll find a way to make it my fault.

The Liar
Pros: The liar is a fantastic storyteller. I know all about his abusive upbringing and the way he triumphantly overcame the odds, being unable to afford college and working right out of high school. If we show up to a club without tickets, The Liar has the right conversation with the right person, and it's not a problem anymore. When I wonder why he's late or hasn't shown up at all, he always has an explanation -- unlike the A-Hole.
Cons: He grew up in a two-parent home with a nanny and a pool. After he flunked out of college the third time, he gave up and got a job. If I'm wondering why the people at the club are being so nice to me, it's because they think I have cancer and I won't last the week. Thanks, Liar. They'll be surprised if I go back on my own in a month. Finally, it turns out that he didn't show up because he was in jail. Not to worry, he'll talk himself out of that one, too.

The Cheapskate
Pros: I never need to worry about my own lack of disposable income when I'm with this guy. He knows all the best places to eat on the cheap and always has a coupon so we can get dessert. He's fantastic with money and constantly shows me ways I can save. If I tell him that gas is so expensive, he'll locate the cheapest station in the area.
Cons: When the check arrives, he insists on splitting it. There is never a free meal when dating the Cheapskate. Not only will he split the check, but he'll dissect it so neither of us has to pay a penny more than we owe. He'll find a way to get out of leaving a tip, due to the slow service or lack of a smile on the waiter's face when he asks, yet again, if the side of ranch costs extra. When I buy Bounty paper towels instead of generic, he rallies for at least a half hour about the money I wasted. Yet, he'll drive twenty miles out of his way for cheaper gas.

Goody Two-Shoes
Pros: He really is too good to be true. As the song says, he neither drinks nor smokes ("...what do you do?"). He also doesn't use profanity, doesn't say a bad word about anyone, and would never dream of giving a rude driver the bird or having sex in a cemetery. As a matter of fact, he think we should wait for marriage. Seriously.
Cons: First, there's the no sex part. I'm sure I don't need to explain that. If I let an f-bomb drop, he'll go on for hours about how awful it is that I would say such a thing. When I complain about a friend/neighbor/co-worker, he'll shut me down immediately, insisting that I must have done something to cause the problem and that anything can be worked out with the proper communication. And did I mention the sex thing?

The Rescuer
Pros: If I'm in a bind, the Rescuer is more than happy to help. He'll find a reliable mechanic to fix my car and even contribute to the cost. He doesn't mind listening to me go on and on about my problems at work; he even offers suggestions about how to deal with those daily annoyances. And medical problems...oh, does he love medical problems. My pain and need to rely on a cane or wheelchair before my hip replacement was a big turn-on. The anemia? Oh, would he love to accompany me to one iron infusion or blood transfusion after another (if I had been dating!)
Cons: At this point in my life, my problems are minimal and I can handle them myself. The Rescuer wouldn't like that. If he can't be the big man and save me from a cruel, cruel world, he gets bored. He'll move on to another sad sack. And another. And another. There's always another damsel in distress, but I'm not one of them.

And that, dear neighbors, is the menu from which I have to choose. I'm exaggerating, of course, but I've dated men in each of these categories. I think it's between the A-Hole and the Liar. At least they're fun.

And the sex. Did I mention the sex?

D