Bitter With A Side Of Funny

Dear Neighbors:

I'm sure you've noticed the tone of my posts has changed slightly from bitter to Bitter With A Side Of Bitter. Let's just call it...man trouble. I'm probably not going to write about it -- yet -- so I'm going to give you an apologetic funny.

Apologetic Funny
AKA: Going To Olive Garden With Christine

Seven or eight years ago, Christine and I made a habit of going to Olive Garden on a regular basis. We would try the different wines while charming every member of the staff. Yesterday, Christine and I returned to the restaurant for the first time in years and had a blast.

As we walked in, a host named G (I'll be nice and exclude names) greeted us. I would guess he's no older than 22 -- he was adorable with blue eyes, broad shoulders and what Christine immediately pointed out as a "nice ass".

***Disclaimer -- Christine has a certain charm that allows her to sexually harass every sort of wait staff, retail employee and grocery store clerk without anyone taking offense. I do not suggest in engaging in this activity unless you have completed Christine's training class.

I needed a distraction in a big way (once again...man trouble), so I went along with it when Christine started asking G a bunch of personal questions. We were seated by an adorable hostess named M and wheels began to turn. You can imagine how they turned, can't you? Christine immediately began to plot, and I went along with her. We were determined to set G and M up on a date before we left. Christine asked M if she thought G had a nice ass, and it turned out that M had said just that very thing to G earlier in the day. We asked if it would be alright for us to work a little matchmaking magic, and she agreed. She also agreed with Christine's suggestion that she might want to "tap that ass".

Unfortunately, almost every time we tried to get them back to the table, we were unsuccessful (Christine thinks they were avoiding us; I think they may have had to work). Eventually Christine caught G long enough to establish that yes, he thought M was cute and yes, he has needs, and yes, he would like to...tap that ass. So there was a consensus on the ass-tapping. Progress, right? After G made multiple attempts to avoid us, we finally decided that maybe G just wasn't into her and didn't want to say so.

G and M...we'll be back.

D