Dear Neighbors:
In the not-too-distant past, I posted a blog about my dream of having a Rent-A-Husband. If you don't recall the details, feel free to remind yourself here:
Hmmm...what to do while I'm waiting? I think Angry Birds is calling. Oh, I have ice cream in the freezer. Angry Birds. Ice cream. Angry Birds. Ice cream. Angry...
Oh! You're back. Great. You saved me from having to make a very difficult decision. So I'll just get on with it.
I didn't expect to get a reply, much less an application. However, the impossible has happened and now it seems that I have a candidate for the position who eloquently describes his experience and qualifications. Have a read:
I saw your ad and I am writing to inquire if is there still an opening for a RAH? I'm sure you will find my qualifications to be top-notch:
- I can fix anything which is broken. I am often compared to MacGyver due to my resourcefulness and quick decisive action.
- I fear no critter or varmint. Snakes, spiders and rats can detect my predatory nature and will vacate of their own free will any premise which I occupy.
- I can negotiate deals with the best of them. My most recent assignment placed me at the bargaining table to negotiate the dowry of a royal Kurdish bride. I saved the family 62 goats, 13 pigs, and 43 pigeons.
- My compliments are very flattering, realistic, and original.You may find plagiarized quotes of mine translated into Koren for use with communications between subjects and Kim Jong-il.
- I insist on driving and my defensive/evasive driving skills are impeccable. I was let go during early filming of Dukes of Hazard because I could not shake the reflexes which prevented sensational car crashes.
- I am an agreeable co-conspirator for social events and will maintain the highest standards of etiquette. On my last trip to England, I was commissioned by the Duchess of Shrewsbury to groom the bathroom attendants for a royal gala in which my preparation was so memorable, the event later became known simply as "the Royal Flush."
- I am very caring in situations which require care. I am known in certain circles of Papua New Guinea for responding to an unfortunate accident by single-handedly setting and mending the leg bones of 37 pigs which were to be offered for political purposes, preventing a war which threatened to divide the country.
- I will compliment and consume the product of any culinary attempt. On the island of Java, I once drank 12.5 liters of Kava Kava prepared using the saliva of the tribesmen and tribeswomen. Had I known nodding and smiling meant "more," I may have used an alternative complimentary gesture.
- It doesn't take long for any human or animal to be comfortable around me. In the Serengeti, I once earned the affection of a pack of wild hyaenas when I discovered, quite by accident, that urine-soaked trousers were a sign of submission.
- I am well trained in intimacy including kissing and touching and sexual intercourse. As a young apprentice for the Kama Sutra in Bahlwal, I became widely known as "the Bahlwal virgin killer" for my unmatched gift for pursuing and conquering all virgins within a 20 Km radius of the temple, trying out various sacred sexual positions on each subject. As testament to my prowess, many blue-eyed children can be found today adorning the markets and ghettos of Bahlwal.
- I am well-known for my uncanny ability to turn awkward moments into "Married" awkward moments. Being married is not necessarily free from awkwardness. At times of awkwardness, one may simply refer to the other as "my wife" or "my husband" to lighten the mood.
I would love for you to set up an interview at your convenience. I am insured and bonded with papers. I have references and will furnish them upon request. My punctuality is second to none.
- RAH
Notice: All rates are negotiable. Drug use is optional. Condom use is highly recommended but not required. Side effects may include sore back, sore thighs, sore abdomen, swollen genitals and/or lymph nodes, difficulty swallowing, unwanted pregnancy, blurred vision, euphoria, hallucinations, dry mouth, loss of memory. Promptly see a doctor if symptoms persist.
- I can fix anything which is broken. I am often compared to MacGyver due to my resourcefulness and quick decisive action.
- I fear no critter or varmint. Snakes, spiders and rats can detect my predatory nature and will vacate of their own free will any premise which I occupy.
- I can negotiate deals with the best of them. My most recent assignment placed me at the bargaining table to negotiate the dowry of a royal Kurdish bride. I saved the family 62 goats, 13 pigs, and 43 pigeons.
- My compliments are very flattering, realistic, and original.You may find plagiarized quotes of mine translated into Koren for use with communications between subjects and Kim Jong-il.
- I insist on driving and my defensive/evasive driving skills are impeccable. I was let go during early filming of Dukes of Hazard because I could not shake the reflexes which prevented sensational car crashes.
- I am an agreeable co-conspirator for social events and will maintain the highest standards of etiquette. On my last trip to England, I was commissioned by the Duchess of Shrewsbury to groom the bathroom attendants for a royal gala in which my preparation was so memorable, the event later became known simply as "the Royal Flush."
- I am very caring in situations which require care. I am known in certain circles of Papua New Guinea for responding to an unfortunate accident by single-handedly setting and mending the leg bones of 37 pigs which were to be offered for political purposes, preventing a war which threatened to divide the country.
- I will compliment and consume the product of any culinary attempt. On the island of Java, I once drank 12.5 liters of Kava Kava prepared using the saliva of the tribesmen and tribeswomen. Had I known nodding and smiling meant "more," I may have used an alternative complimentary gesture.
- It doesn't take long for any human or animal to be comfortable around me. In the Serengeti, I once earned the affection of a pack of wild hyaenas when I discovered, quite by accident, that urine-soaked trousers were a sign of submission.
- I am well trained in intimacy including kissing and touching and sexual intercourse. As a young apprentice for the Kama Sutra in Bahlwal, I became widely known as "the Bahlwal virgin killer" for my unmatched gift for pursuing and conquering all virgins within a 20 Km radius of the temple, trying out various sacred sexual positions on each subject. As testament to my prowess, many blue-eyed children can be found today adorning the markets and ghettos of Bahlwal.
- I am well-known for my uncanny ability to turn awkward moments into "Married" awkward moments. Being married is not necessarily free from awkwardness. At times of awkwardness, one may simply refer to the other as "my wife" or "my husband" to lighten the mood.
I would love for you to set up an interview at your convenience. I am insured and bonded with papers. I have references and will furnish them upon request. My punctuality is second to none.
- RAH
Notice: All rates are negotiable. Drug use is optional. Condom use is highly recommended but not required. Side effects may include sore back, sore thighs, sore abdomen, swollen genitals and/or lymph nodes, difficulty swallowing, unwanted pregnancy, blurred vision, euphoria, hallucinations, dry mouth, loss of memory. Promptly see a doctor if symptoms persist.
I'm in the process of checking his references. It may take some time and a bit of treachery to get a response from Kim Jong-il, the Duchess of Shrewsbury, as well as each and every one of those 37 pigs. I am confident, however, that I will be able to track down those blue-eyed children in Bahlwal. In the meantime, I am committed to offering on-the-job training and a generous benefits package.
What do you think?
Ready To Rent-To-Own,
D
Did someone seriously send you this? I love it! ~S
ReplyDeleteHe did indeed. I'm exploring my options in that area. I'll report back when there's something to report, I promise!!!!
ReplyDeleteDo tell! Anyone that witty deserves a good look! Good luck!!!! ~S
ReplyDelete