Odd Duck

Dear Neighbors:

I often can't help but feel like an odd duck. I do my best to remind myself that everyone feels that way from time to time, but I feel that way...most of the time.

Me and everyone else -- at least in my mind.

The other night, I had plans to go to a co-worker's house for drinks and snacks and an evening of letting our hair down. I arrived a little late, having taken longer with my errands than I had expected. I did, however, bring the pina colada mix and homemade stuffed mushrooms. I was surprised to find that instead of being a co-worker thing, it turned out to be a couples thing. One couple has been married for just over a year and spent the evening talking about their marital idiosyncrasies...and I'm sure you can imagine how much I love listening to that. One of my co-workers engaged them in on-the-spot marriage counseling while I spent my time talking to the rest of the group. Little by little, the entire conversation seemed to turn into a We thing. Being an "I" and not a "we", I did my best to hide my disappointment.

It's no one's fault that I can't relate to these couples conversations. I'm not even sure that it's my own fault -- I just haven't had the kinds of experiences that most other people have. When they start in on the We stuff, I get the same feeling as when I go to a work meeting, only to find that the agenda has changed and somehow, I was the only one who didn't get the e-mail. 

It's possible that most people enjoy hearing marital woes...but I don't. I've been listening to them for at least 20 years now. Knowing that I'm never going to be a part of one of those couples going on about whose turn it is to do the dishes or how long it's been since -- yeah, why do you people have to go there?

I'll do my best to smile and pretend that I like hearing about your oh-so-challenging marriage as long as you could do a few things for me.

1. Stop talking about "Date Night".

You're married. You don't date anymore. You go out as a couple, you do things as a couple. It's not a date. It's marriage. It's also not cute. It's marriage. Stop dressing your marriage up in Cute. I know that couples' therapy often encourages couples to have "date night" as a part of keeping the spark in the marriage. Keep that information to yourself. 

Date Night -- Cute in the movies. Not cute in real life.

2. Use parties as an opportunity to talk about other things than your marriage.

At one time, you both used to be an "I". You had separate thoughts and feelings and actual individual personalities. Bring those to parties, because the "we" thing is boring.

3. If the other member of your marriage isn't putting out, no one wants to hear about it.

I get that after a few drinks, you feel comfortable enough to reveal that the two of you haven't had sex in a while. There's nothing that any of us can do for you. Please keep that information to yourself. I only know one couple who has utilized this particular product...maybe you should, too.

 

I'm guessing there's no app for this. 

You know what you can do at a party that would help all involved? When your spouse becomes obnoxious after one too many drinks, intervene. And when I become obnoxious, offer me a ride home. 

Coupled Out,

D