A Message From My Middle Finger To The Shoe

The following is an open letter to certain shoe manufacturers who have consistently refused to recognize the need for offering their products in larger sizes, mainly half-sizes and narrow sizes beyond a size ten. I wear an 11 1/2 AAA (triple narrow) and I can only find shoes that fit at one wonderful shop called Brucettes in Houston, Texas. I, of course, live in California. No, I can't shop online because there's no guarantee that they'll fit. I have to try them on. This open letter is intended to criticize, blame, blaspheme, harass, disparage, lambaste, and strongly disapprove of those shoe manufacturers that ignorantly, unenlightendly, naively, uneducatedly, deficiently, pointlessly, moronically, and irresponsibly refuse to recognize, appreciate, value, identify, notice, comprehend and even slightly fathom the concept that I have no choice but to wear shoes every day. It's no shoes, no shirt, no service, remember? I can find a shirt in any size. But shoes...oh, shoes. I'm lucky if I can find my size at all. Right now, my feet hurt after teaching on them all day, so I'm feeling especially venomous. Enjoy.

Dear Shoe Manufacturers:

Since The Dawn Of The Wearing Of Shoes You Don't Make Yourself, you've been able to get away with only offering your shoes in certain sizes for women. Those women who don't fit into your size concept have always been stuck with, I hate to say it, but...the ugly shoes or The Shoes That Don't Fit But There's Nothing Else. Those of us who not only have big feet but wear half sizes have been further disenfranchised by your discriminatory behavior. I don't appreciate it, or you, one bit. You suck. I hate you and I hate your shoes. I would like to wish ill on your business, but I would not want to see your slave laborers be out of work. You, however, the ones who make the decisions as to what sizes to manufacture and sell, I wish ten kinds of ill on you. I hope you all lose your jobs and become homeless and have to wear shoes you picked up out of the trash. Because I hate you so much, I'm not even going to give you a topic heading, I'm not going to put your name in bold, nor will I underline it. You're just not special enough. You might as well call your brand Al Bundy.

The Shoe Snotty Troll Hate List:

Reebok, why is it that you can offer one running shoe in fifteen shockingly ugly different colors, but your sizes stop at an 11? Would it really kill you to go up to a 13, half sizes included? You may think you have no chance of selling an 11 1/2, but I think your chances of selling those hideous neon pink and green running shoes are much smaller.

Steve Madden, I noticed that you're willing to push the boundaries of 80's revival and fugly in order to sell a Michael Jacksonish sparkly whatthehellisthat lace up something shoe, but even that mistake of a shoe stops at an 11. And what about your blue and purple hooker heels? Apparently, only women with tiny feet work the streets all night. Those darling Blow Job For A Rock of Crack shoes only go to a 10.

Salvatore Ferragamo, I realize that I can't exactly afford your shoes, but if I could, they wouldn't be an option because you stop at a 10. All I have to say about that is that I'm coming to Italy and you should be gone when I get there. If you are there, I expect to have a very serious conversation with you. Bring a translator.

I used to have a policy of boycotting any department store that didn't sell my shoe size. If you're not going to sell shoes for me, I'm not going to buy anything else from you. I've made the mistake of shopping at Kohl's. I will make that mistake no longer. Beyond an 11, they sell no half sizes. Once again, if you can sell clothes from every wannabe actress-turned-model-turned-singer-turned-clothing-designer, you can sell me an 11 1/2. 

Keds are a classic. Just like slavery, keeping women barefoot and pregnant, and let's not forget beheadings. Because they also don't sell my size.

And Famous Footwear? Tell me one thing about your store that's famous. Other than the fact that you don't sell my size. You have an entire store filled with rows and rows of shoes, most of which are fugly (yes, that word again). If you're going to put that many shoes on the sales floor, why can't you find some for me? May you suck on a lemon until your taste buds rot and fall off. 

If I have mentioned your name, it's because you suck. You should aspire, strive, yearn and struggle to be more like the brands I'm about to mention.

Those Who Rock, I Salute You! (Oh, and I'll be ordering from you as well)

I've included links for these rock stars. Click and shop, I encourage you. Click and shop.

Did you know that Converse shoes go up to a size 19 in women's -- all half sizes included? And you can design your own shoes and there had to be at least 10,000 different shoes that come in my size. Seriously. And I can design my own shoes. Imagine that. If Converse can have 10,000 different shoes in my size, why can't the rest of you lazy dumbasses just have ONE pair of shoes in my size? ONE? I'm not even asking that they be cute. Or comfortable.

Nike used to be on your side of the list, but now they offer my size in pink. I've never been able to wear pink shoes before. But I'm going to start. Just because I can. 

Zappos.com sells a variety of shoes from all different manufacturers on their site. I intend to go back when my salary increases. Or when they have a good sale.

I always thought of Birkenstock as those weird hippie shoes. But since they come in my size, I think I'm in the market for some weird hippie shoes. They're made by Germans. Figures, huh? 

That concludes my open letter of hatred. I feel better now. My feet don't. 

Sincerely, 

D