Dear Neighbors:
If it hadn't been for the reply to my Rent A Husband blog, I would have posted this sooner. Have you voted on that yet? When you finish reading and choking on your lunch over this gem, please go back and vote on that one. Seriously. I need your help. I depend on your input to make decisions, neighbors.
I can't help but listen to you when I'm waiting in line in or trying to select from several different varieties of ice cream -- I mean yogurt. Yep yogurt, at the grocery store. When you're choosing a pair of shoes very loudly, I'm going to comment. Maybe not to you, but definitely to my readers.
So here we go.
Scenario #1: Two Women At Ralph's (grocery store):
I'm over it. I'm so over it.
Yeah. I understand. I don't blame you.
I mean it. I'm sooooooo over it. I'm just over it. Done. Finished. Over it.
Good. It's time.
That's it for me! I'm over the whole situation.
You just need to move on.
That's what I'm going to do. Because (wait for it....) I'm over it.
Oh, no. The first woman is not over it. When you need to declare your Overitness over and over again, you're clearly not "over it". In fact, I would suggest therapy to deal with just how not over it you are. As for the other woman, let's give her a prize for hanging in there as long as she did. You know what she was thinking:
I'm over it. I'm so over it.
I'm not over it. I'm still obsessing and re-living and whatever it was that happened, I'm anything but "over it".
Yeah. I understand. I don't blame you.
Didn't we just go over this in the car? How much longer do I have to listen to this crap? Last time I ask this bitch for a ride. No one needs a ride that badly.
I mean it. I'm sooooooo over it. I'm just over it. Done. Finished. Over it.
If I could, I'd go back and re-live the entire situation again just so I could end it the way I want. Because I'm not over it. I'll never be over it.
Good. It's time.
It was time three days ago when you started this conversation. I wonder if they sell poison here. I'm either going to kill her or myself. At this point, I'm not all that picky.
That's it for me! I'm over the whole situation.
If I say it loudly and proudly enough, eventually it will be true. I'm not going to tell anyone else this, but I'm going to dive right back into the conversation as soon as I can drop off my Bullshit Receptacle here.
You just need to move on.
Like you told me you were going to do the first time we talked about this. And the next time. And the next time. And freaking NOW. Wait -- are those toothpicks? Maybe I can use them to cast out my eardrums.
That's what I'm going to do. Because (wait for it....) I'm over it.
I have a plan in my head. I'm going to blow this situation up so that everyone knows that I'm over it. I'll hire a skywriter. No -- I'll rent a billboard. Wait...maybe I could write a book called Being Over It. Yeah, that's what I'm going to do. Why the hell is she sticking a toothpick in her ear? Doesn't she know that she'll damage her eardrums? Whatever. I'm over it.
Conversation #2: Discount Clothing Store
I was a couple of aisles away looking for a belt to go with a dress I'd bought last week. I overheard this charming dialogue:
These are remarkable. Just remarkable.
Hey, aren't these remarkable?
Oh, yeah. Totally.
Seriously. Look at them. Just remarkable. Don't you agree that they're remarkable?
Definitely.
I'm going to get them. They're so remarkable.
Dear Remarkability:
1. Patent leather fuschia and yellow hooker heels are anything but remarkable. They're tacky and overall, just wrong.
2. While I appreciate your continued steadfast utilization of the Word A Day calendar that you received for Christmas, it would help if you would skip ahead and skim through the next 142 days and look for a word called "context". And then go back through and find the word "cheap". While you're at it, try to locate When You Keep Repeating A Word That Wasn't Appropriate To Begin With, It Completely Loses Its Meaning.
That's all for today folks. If you resemble these conversations, might I suggest that you gift your friends with earplugs?
Remarkable and oh-so-over-it,
D
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