Dear Neighbors:
The Care And Feeding Of Your Single Friend:
1. Never invite me to an event in which I am either required to come alone or required to come with someone else. After all, you don't put those restrictions on your coupled friends, do you? There was a time when invites read, "...and guest". Let's bring back the And Guest, folks. I like you, but I don't like you enough to help you trim the costs of your party/reception/whatever. I'm becoming less and less enamored of social situations as it is, so please don't give me an excuse to avoid one. I'll do it. I will. I have been invited to three weddings in which I was asked to come alone. Instead of enjoying the celebration, I had the luxury of feeling awkwardly alone in a sea of couples who, appropriately, spent the evening talking about how they met and their wedding (I know yours was special, but they're all a blur to me). That's the worst kind of conversation-killer.
2. Remember that there is a difference between Ms. and Mrs. I am a Ms. I'm sure it's all the same to you, but it's apples and oranges to me. Don't tell me it doesn't matter when I correct you. I correct you because I assume that you've been misinformed about my marital status. I don't want anyone thinking I'm married. After all, if someone knows a nice someone else, they need to have a single someone else-else in mind. And that someone else-else would be me if I'm Ms. and not Mrs. See where I'm going with this?
3. Stop using your spouse and kids as an excuse to get out of your responsibilities. I don't want to resent you, but you leave me no choice. Know who will get to do the work while you're watching your kid's soccer game or attending your spouse's Tupperware extravaganza? Your single co-workers. After all, we don't have those excuses. My sister once considered sponsoring a child from a third-world country and putting the picture on her desk so she could announce that she needed to leave early in order to go to little Hodgie's soccer game. Your child will not die if you miss a game, nor will your spouse divorce you if you stay a little late to finish your work. Don't take the job if you can't handle the hours. I used to work for a mortgage company in which I was expected to work Saturdays so that the marrieds could go off and do whatever it is those people do.
4. If you can't handle having a single friend, just say so. It hurts when the only time I hear from coupled/parented friends is when there's a gift-giving opportunity at hand. I know you're excited about your wedding, shower, kid's party, whatthefuckever, but I am not an ATM. I'm a person. Here's my suggested rule of thumb -- if it hasn't occurred to you to call me or invite me to lunch or take me up on one of my invitations or return my calls, be careful in inviting me to gift-giving events (GGE). I don't appreciate being used, and I don't appreciate listening to your coupled friends talk about all the fun you had on that weekend getaway. You know, when you told me that you're soooo busy that you don't possibly have time to hang out with me. There comes a time when a coupled person trades the single friends for other couples. When that time comes, just be honest with me.
5. Remember that my time is just as valuable as yours. When we do get together for lunch, please put down the cell phone and stop texting him/her. It's rude. I don't get to see my coupled friends very often, but they see their spouses every day. So why the need to call/text during the brief hour we're hanging out? Is he/she/it so insecure that you have to check in constantly? That's scary. And a little sad.
6. Never put me in the middle. Have arguments with your spouse or child on your own time and don't ask me to referee. You may not like what I have to say, and what I'll say is always going to be the truth. If you're being a jerk, I'll call you on it. You can't ask me to be friends with your spouse and also to blindly and ignorantly side against him/her in arguments. See the problem?
7. Ask me to spend time with you and your kids, but remember that I am not a babysitter. I don't mind helping out in a pinch, but I can't be the one you rely on to take care of your child because I don't have anything else to do (or so you like to think) and your kid really, really likes his/her Aunt Dorothy. The point is to spend time with you, not to stand in for you.
8. Don't ask me if I think your husband is hot, if he has a nice ass, or if I'd "do him" if I had the chance. Not only is it disrespectful to him, but it's not very nice to me, either. There's no way of giving the right answer. One answer will have you convinced that I'm going to try to seduce him (I'm not), and the other will make you think you could have done better (you can't -- "better" is entirely relative). Just so we're clear, your husband is okay. He's relatively attractive. His ass is somewhere in the middle of grab-worthiness, and I don't find married men attractive or fuck-worthy. Are we good?
9. If I roll my eyes when you refer to your "hubby", don't take it personally. Your husband has a name. It's not "hubby". If you just say his name without the silly endearments, I promise to remember that you're married, okay? Keep the pet names at home, sugarplum-glitter-bomb-nitrous-oxide-ass, or whatever it is that you people insist on calling each other. Oh, and if you use the pronoun "I" instead of "we", the End Of Days will not commence. I promise.
10. Remember that your single friends have birthdays, and only birthdays. We don't have all that other stuff like anniversaries and Valentine's Day to celebrate. Remember your single friends on their birthdays, because you might be the only friend who does. I have plenty of generous, loving friends and family members, but I have many single friends who don't. Call those friends. Take them out to dinner. Buy a gift (and believe me, it doesn't have to be expensive) that requires him or her to rip off wrapping paper! It takes a great deal of time and effort to support you in your wedding, showers, kid's birthday parties, anniversary parties, kid's fundraisers and your little side-venture in which we so generously participated. All we ask is that you remember our birthdays. You may not realize this, but it's really hard to plan a celebration as a single woman. It's crass to throw oneself a party, but who else is going to do it? Remember that we always remember your birthday. And your husband's. And your kids'. And your dogs'.
If you put any of your friends in a ridiculously ugly bridesmaid's dress, take everything I just said and raise it to the power of ten.
D
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