Dear Neighbors:

I'm sure that many of you have had no trouble dating throughout your single life. I know this because I got to watch. You may have had your ups and downs within your relationships, but you never had any trouble finding a new one when the last one ended. For that reason, you really suck at giving advice. It's not your fault, I assure you.

You giving dating advice is like me trying to give grammar advice. I can blabber all I want about how "myself" is a reflexive pronoun that must refer back to a subject and how you can never use "myself" if you haven't already said "I", but I probably lost you at the word "reflexive".

You see where I'm going with this? If it's easy for you, you can't possibly explain it to others.
Nevertheless, I want to help you help me. Here's our first lesson:

Top Ten Worst Advice You Can Give To A Single Woman:

1. It will happen when you're ready.
Uh...do you remember how screwed up your life was when you met Mr./Ms. Right? I do.
Fortunately, no one won the pool.

2. It will happen when you're not looking (say this in the tone of voice you'd use to read a fairy tale).
Then why bother dating?

3. It will happen when the time is right.
See #1.

4. You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince.
How many frogs, exactly? I'm just asking because I'm wondering how many of those frogs I have to sleep with. Do you know many frogs who will settle for kissing for the long term? I don't. And I have no interest in being named Frog Whore 2010.

5. There's someone for everyone (fairy tale voice again)!
How is that advice? Put an action verb in there somewhere.

6. What about that guy you dated a few years ago?
You mean the one who dumped me so he could find himself? He found his first wife.
Recycling may be good for the environment, but not when the aluminum can can't be
honest about why he's dumping me. Not up for round 2.

7. There must be some nice single men at work.
Not for one who does not shit where she eats. And no, there aren't.

8. Don't be so picky.
I used to be pretty picky, I admit, but these days my parameters have changed. I will not
consider dating a man who lives with his parents, is currently addicted to crack, has been unemployed since Clinton was in office, or who has been featured on "America's Most Wanted" more than once. I'm not saying he isn't worthy of love, I'm just saying I might be tempted to turn him in for the reward. And conjugal visits really aren't my thing. From what I hear.

9. Have you tried an online dating sevice?
I think the only ones I haven't tried are sugardaddy.com and that cougar site (though I
wouldn't rule anything out at this point. Open mind.)

10. Marriage is overrated. You should be proud of being single!

Oh, no you di'int.

I'm not even going to bother with the pithy italics. How can I believe that being single is a good thing when it obviously wasn't good enough for you? I don't know if you've noticed, but our society revolves around couples. I have to deal with double-occupancy fees on vacations, having to remind people that it's Ms. and not Mrs., and all the freaking Jared holidays.
When you tell me that marriage is overrated, what I hear is, "No one is ever going to love you, so you might as well give up now." If I ask for advice, it's perfectly acceptable for you to say, "I don't know". Because if you don't, you don't. It may not be helpful, but it's also not hurtful.

Go forth and advise accordingly.

D