Grammar With A Side Of Cake

Dear Neighbors:

Yes, I know. Twice in one day. I can't help myself -- when there's something on my mind, I just can't help but spray it on everyone else via technology. 

As you can tell, I'm mindful of using proper grammar when I'm writing my blog. It's the same when I'm speaking; often people find me condescending. It's not intentional, I assure you. Ending a sentence with a preposition is as horrifying to me as wearing a tube top and skorts may be to you. Sometimes, of course, I just can't help myself. Some people irritate the hell out of me because they have absolutely no awareness of the words and phrases emanating from their own mouths. 

Today, I had a doctor's appointment in which I received an iron infusion. The process takes an hour and a half, during which time I typically read a book or play silly games on my iPad. If the television is on, I usually hope for "Judge Judy", but sometimes I'm not so fortunate. Like today. The television was tuned in to the CW network (for anyone not familiar with it, the CW is for those awful shows that the regular networks would be embarrassed to air). Watching Tyra Banks and the MauryJerryish guy who came on afterward reminded me of a few common grammar errors that drive me up the wall and back down again because I heard them over and over and over again.

My Top Three Grammatical Pet Peeves:

1. Using the word "like" as a verb. 

This is a reminder to everyone that the word "like" is to be used to express interest in something, such as I like cake (wait -- I love cake. I freaking love, love, love cake), or to compare, as in that piece of cake is like the best lover I've ever had only without the snoring. It is never to be used as a verb, such as:

• I was like, you know, stop eating that cake. It's like all mine, you know?
• They were like, no, it's my cake and I'll eat it if I want to. 
• He was like, why are you eating that cake when dinner is in like five minutes?
• She was like, back off, bitch -- that's my cake and I'll like bitchslap you into next week if you even breathe on it.

It's not just 21 year-old mothers of five that use the word incorrectly, nor is it the sole mistake of the twenty-two year old soon-to-be ex-boyfriend who also has five additional children with three other mothers but who might be gay because the girl with whom he's cheating on the first baby mama found a very suspicious text message. I'm afraid the use of Like As A Verb is terribly common in our society now. Public figures are often quoted using "like" in this fashion. And I'm like, why would you like print that when you know it's like really bad grammar? Huh? Just kidding. Had to throw that in there. But seriously, I'm on a mission to end The Use Of Like As A Verb. It doesn't appreciate it and it wishes that you would use it correctly. If you are a doctor, I'm sure you wouldn't want to be asked to sweep the floor of the waiting room, now would you? I implore you to give the word "like" the same treatment that you would want in your occupation, whatever it may be. 

2. Using reflexive pronouns incorrectly. 

Let's review pronouns. They are words that take the place of a noun, such as I, he, she, it and they. Just so you know, these are subject pronouns because they represent the subject of a sentence. Let's move on to the reflexive pronouns. These are yourself, myself, herself, himself and themselves. Hisself, theirselves and themselfs are not actual words, so please don't use them. The word "reflexive" implies a response to something, and that's what a reflexive pronoun does. It refers back to the subject. The proper way to use a reflexive pronoun is to say that I baked that cake myself. The word "myself" refers back to "I". You could also say that she fancied that piece of cake for herself but her pothead roommate ate the whole damned thing. Here are some incorrect usages that I hear and read all too often:

• That cake is for myself.
• The people who ate the cake were Fifi, Precious, Boss Hogg and myself. 
• Don't ask me why all of the cake is gone but you could ask herself about the missing weed.

Remember: if you haven't already mentioned yourself, you cannot use a reflexive pronoun. It would be the same as telling someone to go do it now without telling them what "it" is. I'm willing to concede that if you just smoked all of the weed and then ate all of the cake, grammar is probably not on your mind right now. 

3. The statement "between you and I". 

This can be confusing because there's this common misconception that the use of "I" is always preferred to "me". This is completely untrue. "I" is a subject pronoun (as I mentioned before), so you always use it as the subject of a sentence. In other words, "I" must be doing the action. For example, I would like a piece of cake right now is correct while me would like a piece of cake right now is only correct if you happen to be a toddler or my cute little five year-old nephew, Evan. But you're probably neither, so you must use it correctly. The confusion comes in when you need to address another subject along with yourself (see how I used "you" and "yourself"?). It's confusing for most people, so don't worry if you've made the mistake of saying demolishing the entire cake is just between you and I, okay? Remember that it's always between you and me and it can never be between you and I. Never.

In addition to subject pronouns, we have object pronouns. These are me, you (yes, it's both), them, her, and him. An object pronoun is used when your pronoun is not the subject of the sentence but it still needs to appear in the sentence. I gave him the largest piece of cake, for example. "I" is the subject pronoun and "him" is the object pronoun because it's on the receiving end of the action. "Him" isn't the subject, so "him" can only be the object. Get it? Okay. Let's move on.

Sometimes, it's difficult to know how to phrase a list of people while using object pronouns. The trick is to take out everything except for the pronoun you're trying to figure out.

• Original sentence: I had planned to eat the cake all by myself, but with Fifi and Boss Hogg in the room, I had to share it with her and him. Is it correct?
• Modified sentence: I had planned to eat the cake all by myself, but I had to share it with her. Yep, sounds right.
• Alternate modified sentence: I had to share it with him. Yep, good to go.

I'm having fun with this. I am indeed a grammar geek. Time for the bonus round.

The correct usage of affect and effect.

This one is a little more difficult, even for scholars. I'm bringing it up because I am often asked when one should use which word. It's not exactly a pet peeve; it's more like a public service announcement. 

• Affect is typically a verb while effect is commonly a noun. Affect should show some action while effect should have something happen to it. 
• Affect is when you do something or when something happens to something else, such as constantly opening the oven in anticipation of eating cake may have affected the way it turned out.  Once you've mastered that, you can also use it to represent a way someone is behaving. In eating the cake with his hands, he affected the image of a selfish pig; his affectations should have clued me in that he wasn't going to share. 
• An effect is the result of something happening, or affecting it.  The effect of eating all of the cake was that Fifi is no longer welcome in my home or not getting even a crumb of that cake is going to have an effect on my mood for the rest of the day. A good clue is that when I used "effect" I had to put an article (the, an) in front of it. I didn't need to do that with "affect". 

Hoping to have an effect on your affect after you read this...

D