Privately Public Porn

Dear Neighbors:

 Read the following news article:

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How much do you reveal to your employer and co-workers about your past? As a teacher, I must undergo a background check in order to get a job. As long as I haven't been arrested for anything, I don't have to admit to anything that the background check doesn't turn up, nor does any potential employer ask if I have ever been involved in drugs, porn or illegal activities that I managed to keep under the radar. So why does this teacher need to be publicly flogged for a film she made outside of work and long before she began her job? Aren't we supposed to believe that people change? What if she used the money from her films to finance her education? I think we should commend her ability to get through school without amassing huge student loan bills. If she had to take her clothes off to to that, so be it. The student who called it to her attention should be suspended, if not expelled. Why is this kid watching porn in the first place? Presenting it to the teacher is threatening and crosses the line of a student/teacher relationship.

Because teachers influence children, we must qualify for a halo before we can become employed. I have no problem with that. We must be vigilant to keep our language appropriate and to never say something to a child that will make him or her feel badly for no good reason. It's not as easy as it looks. There aren't a million ways of saying, "You're flunking my class because you don't do any work and you have failed every test. I can teach you how to study, but I can't force you do actually do it."

We have to explain away any blemishes that show up in a background check, no matter how long ago, how minor, or how irrelevant it is to our jobs. This ensures that children are kept safe from predators and other evildoers. Unfortunately, we also have to account for our behavior while we're employed. That means if I want to go out for an evening, it's best that I go to another city. If I were to have a few drinks and get a little rowdy, it would only take one complaint from a bystander before I would be called in to speak to an administrator. Any run-in with the police must be reported to human resources. This means that any teacher who is arrested for something as minor as failing to show up for court or speeding and making the officer mad enough to whip out the handcuffs will be expected to account for this error in judgment. Fortunately, it also means that major offenses must be admitted as well.

I once worked with a teacher who was ordinarily soft-spoken and gentle. He was a kind voice during a rough time at a tough school. One evening, he returned home late after a school function and found his brother-in-law in his house. He had banned him from the home because he was a drug addict who would rob him blind when his back was turned. His sister refused to turn him away and would invite him over when my colleague wasn't home. On this particular evening, he tried to get his brother-in-law to leave with no success. It went from a request to an argument to a fistfight. From now on, he'll have to explain to every future employer that he hit his brother-in-law in order to keep from losing the wedding ring he tried to pry off of his finger for heroin money. I'm trying to remember if there are any other jobs besides teaching and public office that require being so open about one's foibles.

Which occupations require full disclosure? And what is "full disclosure" anyway?

Let's get a little silly with this, folks.

Automobile Mechanic:

If you're going to fix my car, I want you to take a breathalyzer first. If you tied one on last night, you will not work on my car today. In addition, let's run a credit check. If your salary is commiserate with the amount of work you perform, I don't want you to replace my transmission in order to pay for your wife's boob job.

Doctor:

Your schedule should not be a secret. In fact, it should be posted on an electronic screen in the lobby. I should know if you're going to bump me because someone else is louder than I am. If my appointment is at 11:30, I want to be seen at 11:30. If you're running late, I want...full disclosure. I need to know why and I need to know approximately when you're going to treat me. Fair?

Insurance Salesman:

Married people save an average of $60/month on car insurance just for committing to each other. Needless to say, insurance salespeople aren't to be trusted. I want to know if the salesperson is married, if he or she has been married long, and just how far one is willing to go to get me the savings I deserve. Yes, I'm single and we all know that single people are inherently irresponsible. I've had 2 accidents: the first was in 1988, the second was a minor "oops I backed into the guy who belatedly chose not to wait for me to back out" in 2001. Still, I'm not worth the savings of a married person. Just think about their rowdy kids in the back seat. Sound safe to you?

Landscapers:

Every landscaper should have a vision test on file. What looks good to them often doesn't to the homeowner. There's that patch of grass that was overlooked or that rosebush that...isn't there anymore. Indeed, we should add landscapers to the list of employees who need to be vetted. 

Lawyers:

These people should have to reveal every possible bias before taking a case. I should be aware of my lawyer's shedule, drug/alcohol intake, and the amount of sleep achieved the night before he or she is going to appear in court or a deposition on my behalf. Must be in top form because this is the only chance the client will get. Our legal system ensures that (usually to our benefit).

Food Workers:

I've saved the most important for last. Many of us have no need of a lawyer, a mechanic or a landscaper. We always need to eat. I need to know how long the employee has worked there, if the manager treats them well, and if they have any gripes which they may be tempted to take out on the customer.

For example, when I worked at a certain fast food establishment from ages 17 to 19, there were times that I would come in at 4:30 in the morning to set up (my BFF at the time knew more about the process than I did and would have the grill up and running before my least effective employee returned from the obligatory donut run), expect to be off at 1:30 so I could make my evening college classes, only to be told that I would be there the rest of the afternoon because the big managers (I was only a swing manager) were in the Longest Meeting Ever. You can imagine my frustration. I was exhausted, had no time for a nap, and I had homework to finish, and I was pissed off that once again, no one planned ahead to cover me so I could leave. Guess what I did to pass the time?

I didn't make this up, but I passed on the tradition. Often there were flies back by the grill. I guess the smell of frying meat was too much to bear. So we would take a slice of processed cheese and have a contest as to who could slap it down with the correct timing to catch a fly. I'm not saying the slices of cheese with the extra protein ever wound up on a cheeseburger, but I'm not saying they didn't either. Don't make employees mad. That's all I'm saying.

Instead of worrying about employees' pasts, why don't we concern ourselves with their current performance. I don't care that you had a wild orgy on camera as long as you do your job and do it well. 

No Porn In My Past (yet),

D