Dear Neighbors:
The other night, I had a long talk with a good friend about a dilemma she's having with, you guessed it, a man. She and this man I'll refer to as Perpetually Single, PS for short, have had an ongoing on-again, off-again relationship. He has always made it clear that he's not interested in marriage, and she's always been firm about the fact that she's not interested in a relationship that won't lead to marriage eventually. In spite of this standoff, they have still remained friends and he has continued to flirt with her. Even though they no longer live in the same state, they stay in touch. Last month, he sent her a rather flirty Valentine's Day card.
Currently, his work has brought him to another country. My friend, never having been to Europe, is considering taking him up on his invitation to visit him there. Even though he has never pressured her for a physical relationship, she's concerned that he may do just that when she visits. They have never defined their relationship and my friend has never asked him to do so. In the past with other men, she has done just that, only to scare the guy away.
Relationships aren't easy to define. While some people follow the pattern of dating, getting serious, getting engaged and heading off to marriage, most relationships just don't work that way. When I was dating Matt from Orange County (Mister "anything outside of the O.C. is dirty and icky"), I was tempted from time to time to ask him if our relationship was going anywhere or if we were just "having fun". I knew that if I asked, it would force us to put a label on the relationship. I also knew that by asking, I was answering my own question.
My friend's problem is this: she would like to set some ground rules right away so that there are no misunderstandings later. Specifically, she wants to make it clear that if this is still just fun and he has no intention of getting serious with her, then there will be no sex during her visit. Up to this point, he has never pressured her in that regard. But thousands of miles away...in a different country...well, one could weaken, couldn't one?
Some people regard sex as No Big Deal. You get nekkid, have a little fun and walk away. But not everyone is able to walk away easily. Having sex with someone often brings up all of those "he loves me" emotions that aren't always true. Knowing someone in that way makes it difficult to go back to just being friends. It isn't as though my friend is a prude or anti-sex. She simply doesn't want to get attached to a man who has no intention of getting attached to her.
Her question is this: should she lay down those ground rules before she makes plans to visit him? And if he balks at being given limits, is he worth visiting?
I think she should go ahead and have the talk with him so that everyone is on the same page. I welcome input, so comment with your opinions!
To Label or Not To Label,
I shall comment. I have a similar experience with this. I dated someone briefly and we split up. At the time, I considered him my "boyfriend", but we were young and there was never was anything intimate. A few years later we dated again briefly, but really it was nothing serious. I wouldn't call us "boyfriend and girlfriend" or anything like that. It was more like that awkward phase you're in before you decide if you want to be "boyfriend and girlfriend". Anyway, he moved for the summer about 6-7 hours away to a place I'd wanted to visit but never had the chance. He invited me up and I thought it would be fun to see him and have tour guide to boot. All I will say is CLEARLY there were expectations. And we SO weren't there in our relationship, if you could even call it that at that point. So make sure your friend sets the ground rules. Apparently, if you travel far they assume certain things and this happened to me after traveling only a few hours. I can only imagine what the expectations will be if your friend travels out of country. ~S
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