Well, It's June.

Dear Neighbors:

I would be remiss in completely avoiding the topic of weddings at this time of year. Even if you're not attending one during this 2010 Coupling Season, you probably can't avoid the marrieds-to-be. Running the wedding gauntlet is much more complicated as a single person, and I'm here to offer some advice on those situations we can't help but encounter at this time of year. While the traditional advice is great, it doesn't address this particular situation very well. You can choose the advice you find most relevant (and less risky!!).

What if...?

1. You've received an invitation that is addressed to you. Only you. There is no "...and guest" anywhere. What do you do?

Traditional: Suck it up. RSVP immediately, do not ask to bring a guest and do not show up with one.
Doro: If the idea of going to a wedding alone appeals to you, I'm impressed. I'm not there yet. You can move on to #2. If you're already thinking of getting out of it, wait here a sec.
First of all, if you're uncomfortable because you don't know anyone, find out if anyone you know is also going. If so, you may want to ask to be seated at the same table at the reception. If you have to, play the I Don't Get To Bring A Guest card. If you're annoyed because asking a guest to come alone is something that should be discussed ahead of getting an invitation, you have a right to feel put out. I suggest you RSVP immediately that you won't be attending and accompany that with something from the registry. At least get out of it with some grace.

2. You have searched through every item on the registry and there's nothing you can afford.
Traditional: Cash.
Doro: In spite of the current economy, many engaged couples see their wedding as an opportunity to leech cash and fabulous prizes out of their friends and loved ones. Don't believe me? Watch "Bridezillas". Seriously. Most couples, however, have the courtesy to acknowledge our recession and they register at Target (I love these friends) and then at a more expensive store. If you are not given that option, buy a gift card in an amount you can afford. They can always use it towards something on the registry they have no chance of getting, like that $1,500 lampshade.

3. You're at the bridal shower and the topic has switched to married-only conversation. There are at least twenty marrieds there, so this is going to take a while.
Traditional: Listen up, you may be next!
Doro: If you stay where you are, you're going to have to listen to married women discuss the Toilet Seat Issue over and over again. Excuse yourself to go to the restroom and then find whoever it is that ends up doing all the behind-the-scenes work (preparing food, getting toilet paper for that wedding dress game) and offer to help. You'll feel much less uncomfortable if you're doing something to contribute rather than dwelling on your perfectly acceptable and unavoidable feelings of exclusion.

4. You've been seated at a table with the bride's chatty grandmother, her cousin who was just released from prison, and two individuals whose connection to this wedding you can't surmise because they're rip-roaring drunk. And drinks aren't yet being served.

Traditional: The grandmother probably has some great stories, as does the ex-con. Don't judge a book by its cover.
Doro: You're at the Reject Table. In case you didn't know. Time to make the best of it, folks. Unless you want to hear stories of how in the 50's, a grandmother never would have been stuck at the back table, or how Lompoc is a much preferable prison to Chino, you're going to have to get creative on this bitch.

• Play table games: Send the ex-con out to "acquire" a bottle of liquor. Every time someone at the table says the bride or groom's name, that person must take a drink and then initiate a game of Duck Duck Goose (this works best if you're at a round table, but improvise if you have to).
• Think of conversation-starters: Find out how everyone knows the bride and groom, and then get them to dish the dirt.
  
• Dance! Do the chicken dance, the macarena, the electric slide, and find other people to dance with you. Sit less, dance more.
  

5. Single women are being rounded up and sent to catch the bouquet. You have no interest in participating, but refusal could lead to a scene. What to do?
Traditional: Suck it up. And besides, you never know!!!
Doro: The bouquet toss seems like a sweet tradition, a bride passing on her good fortune to her friends. Sigh. And for her 20-something friends, it really is sweet. For the rest of us, however, it's an embarrassing tradition we'd like to see disappear. It isn't as though we can get out of it. If we choose to sit while they're calling for us, someone will come by, notice I'm not running towards I'm Next! land and pressure me into joining the group.

When the wedding gestapo tries to pull you towards the Circle of Misery, take a step back, raise your voice a bit and firmly say, "No, thank you." They will make a scene. That's how they operate. If the pressure gets to you, join the group and make no move to catch the bouquet. Believe me, someone will catch it.

If you're already feeling the pressure, remember that wedding season eventually comes to an end.

D