In The Zone

Dear Neighbors:

You meet someone. (I'll alternate between "he" and "she" since I have male and female readers). You're attracted to her and it appears that she is attracted to you. After all, he's calling you to go to dinner, to go to the movies or just to hang out. You can tell her anything and she tells you everything. The problem, of course, is that...nothing's happening. He hasn't made a single move. No arm around the shoulders, no kiss, no suggestive conversation after a few drinks. You do everything in your power to make it clear that you want the relationship to go further, even though you stop short at anything that can be considered a first move. Still, nothing.

You've been relegated to the Zone.

The Friend Zone.

And you might as well get comfortable, because this is your new home.

This morning, I was tortured briefly by the screeching of Taylor Swift on the radio, bleating and whining about the guy who likes her but doesn't like her but he likes his bimbo, doesn't he? Swift should have titled this song, "Friend Zone". Cute cliche, but still a cliche.

I've spent a great deal of time in the Friend Zone. I'm thinking about running for mayor. I have a number of male friends, and I haven't necessarily wanted to stay just friends with all of them. My problem is that I only develop feelings for a man over time. And by the time I'm there, we're best buddies and I'm giving him dating advice. If there was a window, I'm sure I've missed it every time.

The key to dealing with FZF (Friend Zone Frustration) is to remember that there isn't always a window. We are forever going to have friends we want who don't want us. Conversely, how many times have we had to let others down easily when we didn't feel the love? Sometimes the Great Friend Zone Conversion happens, but most of the time it doesn't. It's happened once for me and I don't think I would want to navigate that situation again.

The next time you're confronted with FZF, consider this...

Common Myths About The Friend Zone:

1. If he's spending time with you, he likes you as more than just a friend. A man doesn't spend that much time with a woman with whom he doesn't intend to get funky. Not true. If he's spending that much time with you and hasn't made a move, it's because he considers you to be a good friend.

2. It's wonderful that you have so much more in common with her than the guy she's currently dating/screwing/flaunting. Eventually she'll realize it and come to her senses. Sharing common interests, goals and values is key to a great...friendship. And only friendship. Sorry. It's not a sign of anything else.

3. He can't stand women who are high-maintenance. He always tells you about how he can't understand why women can't be comfortable with themselves without the makeup, the hair products and the shoes. What's up with the shoes, anyway? Ask yourself a question: how often do you see women with perfect hair/makeup/clothes/tan/accessories/6-inch heels without a man? 'nuff said.

4. She constantly compares you to him and tells you how she wishes he could be more like you. that's it!! She's in love with you!! Uh, no. She's in love with him. She just admires your ability to be on time/hold a job/shower daily/listen/listen/listen.

5. When your friends ask him why the two of you aren't more than friends, his answer is vague. That must mean he's considering it. He's just tired of people assuming that people of the opposite sex can't be friends. And since your friends are so annoying, he didn't want to encourage conversation (I've had guy friends tell me this after the fact).

In all seriousness, it's fulfilling to have friends of the opposite sex. I can relax with a friend in a way I can't with a boyfriend. After all, in order to go out with a friend, I don't have to check if my legs are shaved. I don't have to worry about what I'm wearing under my clothes. Thong? Great. Grannies? Great. Whatever. The best part, however, is the education. It's a glimpse into the mind of the opposite sex. Take advantage of it. If I hadn't, I would have no idea that a man would rather a woman's hair be a bit plain but free of product so he can run his fingers through it. Sigh.

I hear the weather in the Friend Zone is HOT. Bring sunscreen. :)

D