Dear Neighbors:
After writing my last blog, I couldn't help but think about why, as women, we often have unrealistic ideas about men and marriage. Personally, I've seen as many bad marriages as good, and both tend to last until one or the other opts out by dying. I don't know many couples who have divorced, but I do know one or two who could benefit from it. I can't help but wonder how, when we are bombarded by reality, we are so tempted to live in a fantasy world where anything can happen and any one of us could meet that special someone --who happens to be everything we need -- at any time.
The answer is simple: Disney movies.
Since it's testing week and half days and I don't want to stress the kids out any more than they probably already are, I've been showing movies in class when they're finished marking bubbles on an answer sheet. Today, we began "101 Dalmations". When Roger and Anita decided the day they met that they should get married, many of my students groaned and complained, "Come on! They just met! They can't get married." Aren't my students brilliant? The ones I have to wonder about are the students who stared dreamily at the screen during the wedding scene. These are the kids who are most susceptible to Disney Marriage Brainwashing.
Since our frenemy at The Huffington Post had no valuable advice for us, I'm going to give you advice with a side of cute.
Why You're Not Married...Disney Style
1. You're not leaving yourself open for rescue.
The biggest mistake a woman can make in her life is being too self-sufficient. You have a career, a home, prospects for the future and some sense of independence. Men look at you and think, There's nothing for me to do here...where is a damsel in distress when you need one, anyway? You're not leaving yourself open to be rescued from your miserably desperate and lonely existence. Where would Snow White be today if it wasn't for her wicked stepmother's nasty apple? I'll tell you where -- she'd be living with seven roommates, all little men with strangely appropriate adjectives for first names, wondering what I'm wondering -- how the hell am I still single? My theory is that she knew exactly what her wicked stepmother was up to and she embraced it. I bet she even took her out for lunch and pedicures later. The woman wasn't trying to kill her, she was just trying to find her a husband the only way she knew how. Later, she began the Wicked Stepmom Matchmaking Services. Her next client was yet another misunderstood stepmother. You know her. She's the one who had to force her stepdaughter into abject servitude in order to turn her into marriage material. Even though Cinderella's stepmother had to pay through the nose for the Fairy Godmother Package (The fairy godmother? Just another employee. That's full service for you.), it was totally worth it. She married that girl off to yet another prince (where do all these princes come from, anyway?). That woman has connections. I hear she retired and upgraded her magic mirror.
2. You're not looking at what's right in front of you.
What? You didn't know that your best friend can also be your (gasp, sputter, cough, hack) soul mate? You didn't watch "The Lion King" very closely, then. It's all about destiny, folks. Simba took off to find himself and when she couldn't stand it any longer, Nahla went looking for him. Sure, she claimed she was just trying to save the pridelands, but we know better, don't we? She was probably considered an old maid by then, her marriage prospects narrowed down to Harvey the Freaking Vegetarian or Carl-in-the-Closet. So when Simba found himself and returned home without a wife, lover or pride of children from several different mothers, Nahla got her some of that. Who could blame her, really? Of course, you may be too consumed with the day-to-day to appreciate the man who is always there, waiting, while you do what you have to do to be whoever it is you are. I can't remember the name of the scruffy guy that Mia Thermopolis ended up with in "The Princess Diaries". This is probably because he stayed in the background while Mia discovered she was next in line to a throne that she'd never heard of and taking that role would mean straightening her hair, losing the glasses and learning some table manners. Once she decided the hot guy wasn't so hot after all and that she was ready to settle...he was ready to settle for her as well. True love, I tell you.
3. You refuse to give up your lifestyle, culture and heritage for marriage. Stupid you.
Pocahontas had it all -- she was an Indian (they weren't Native Americans yet), she was able to wear skimpy clothing without being called a whore, she had the run of the land, and, most importantly, she was Pokie-On-The-Spot when it came to finding the right song to sing for the right occasion. Instead of telling John Smith to stop effing with her land, she sang "Colors of the Wind" for him. I bet he got the message then. Still, when she was asked to give all that up and put on a damned dress, she didn't hesitate. That's why she died with a ring on her finger, folks. Acquiescence is not just for the weak, it seems. Even more impressive was the double-lifestyle switch in "Enchanted". Giselle was sweet, naive and animated before she was transferred to NYC by her evil almost-stepmother-in-law (another satisfied customer). She soon traded her big poofy dress for more practical attire while losing the diabetes-inducing saccharine baby voice and gaining a husband and stepdaughter in the process. I hope her not-so-mother-in-law-anymore saved that business card for her. She's going to need it.
4. You're a judgmental bitch.
When the guy you've been dating called you a skank and threatened to throw you in his dungeon, you dumped him. Stupid move. Why are you so mean? Didn't you realize that the awful, arrogant asshole who made your life a living hell was just waiting for the power of love to transform him? You obviously didn't watch "Beauty and the Beast". Belle's captivity wasn't meant to scare her, it was only meant to show her how the Beast could be less of a beast if he had a nice woman around. She didn't run right away, did she? Nope, she ignored the Beast's insistence upon being a butthead and turned him into a prince. Literally. Arrogant princes have a way of getting their comeuppances. If you missed "the Princess and the Frog", you probably didn't know that turning a man into a reptile humbles him rather quickly. Fortunately, there's always a formula for turning a man from an "it" back into a "he" and it usually involves a kiss or two. Pucker up, bitches.
5. You're being yourself. No one wants that.
Honesty is only the best policy if you really, really like being single. Do you really like being single? I didn't think so. You need to forget about who you are and figure out who you should be in order to attract the man of your dreams. Don't rule out dressing like a man and joining the military. It worked for Mulan, didn't it? She only joined up in order to spare her father, but once she was there she checked out her commander and liked what she saw. She could have revealed herself to be a woman then, but that would have spoiled it for everyone. That crafty Mulan was smart enough to hang in there as a dude until she was sure she was IN. One has to wonder about this commander, seeing as how he liked her as much as a guy as he did as a woman...but I digress. Have you ever been attracted to a man and decided, right then and there, that you would do anything to have him? Obviously not if you're single. I know I haven't. That's why you're not Ariel, the former mermaid. She knew the human life was much more fun than swimming around with a fin, and she set out to change that. So she paid a visit to Ursula, one of those magical creatures who offers the "Love's First Kiss" contract, also seen in "Shrek". Get him to kiss you and he's yours forever. No ocean, no fins, no problem.
I hope you've learned a valuable lesson here. All you need to know about love and marriage can be found in Disney movies. If you're reading this and thinking, "I can't relate to this, but that happened to my friend", have no worries. You're the sidekick. Sidekicks don't fall in love and get married. Sidekicks join the heroine on adventures and watch her fall in love, all while providing comic relief and a song or two.
Practicing my stand-up routine,
D
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