Dear Neighbors:
My blogspiration tank has been rather empty lately, which will explain the lack of posts of late. However, a friend at work reminded me of why I agreed to start this blog in the first place. This friend is in his early twenties, a new teacher, well-dressed, well-spoken, attractive, and a nice guy. Sounds good, right? Not so much, unfortunately. Single women are forever bemoaning the lack of nice men in the dating pool while rejecting date offers from Frugal Fred, Ordinary Owen and Sensibly Sane Steve. These men, of course, are becoming despondent because only Asshole Al, Violent Vic and Druggie Dan are getting any play. Fred, Owen and Steve are in the friend zone with Al, Vic and Dan's dating roadkill while wondering what they're doing wrong. The problem is that they're doing too much right.
Nice guys don't finish last -- they're lucky if they even get started. Eventually, Sensibly Sane Steve will morph into Bitter Bob because he just can't get a woman to stick around. How does this happen, one must wonder? If women want nice men and all these men are just waiting around for nice women, how are they not finding each other? In the words of Dr. House…everybody lies. Just as we all claim our favorite book is War and Peace and our favorite movie some tedious award-winning snoozefest, we all claim to want to find someone nice while our true desires often lie elsewhere. We fear the nice and embrace cruelty. Why do we put ourselves through this?
One reason is that nice men are thought to be boring. If a man is kind, gentle and respectful, it doesn't appear that he's going to be a whole lot of fun. We assume that this isn't the guy who will challenge us to take risks, drive us absolutely crazy in bed, or find a not-quite-legal way to help us solve our problems. In fact, we assume that these men are in bed asleep by eight, up trying to save the world by five, and would pass a drug or breathalyzer test any time of any day, regardless of the circumstances. And who wants that, right? Women don't have it any easier. Those of us who don't shop for clothes at Whore Central have no chance of taking the male attention away from those women who do. Men look at a woman like me and assume that because I'm a teacher, I dress conservatively (and badly, I admit -- though you never know what I'm wearing underneath, now do you?), and I hate going to bars that I must also be very, very boring. My willingness to listen, my love of action movies and my refusal to hide my intelligence often puts me right where I don't want to be -- in the friend zone. I get to waste away on You're Such A Nice Woman Street while men complain to me about their seemingly psycho significant others. I always ask, "Why do you put up with that?", but I never get a satisfactory answer. The truth is, there isn't one. Remember, the level of cruelty in a relationship is considered to be inversely proportional to the amount of love within. It makes no sense to me, but I'm in the minority on that one. How can being a nice person be a good thing when it repels any and all love interests?
The first guy I dated for any length of time was your typical nice guy. He was (and still is) polite, kind, gentle, caring and intelligent. Many women would add all of these qualities and come up with a sum of Zzzzzzzz. I, however, adore these qualities in a man. As it turned out, he wasn't the least bit boring -- but he thought I was. After we stopped seeing each other, he found Little Miss Train Wreck and embraced the crazy. As I've mentioned before, this was the point at which I decided to dumb myself down and engage in Operation: Stupid. I realized the only quality I could fake was my intelligence. I couldn't fathom the idea of treating a man badly in order to keep him interested. I have this bizarre idea that relationships should bring out the best in people, and not the worst. Silly me. I've never pursued or had any interest in pursuing a bad boy. In fact, knowing that a man is a jerk is a complete turn-off. I have a few extremely attractive male friends whom people assume are my friends because that's the way they want it. In fact, that's the way I want it. When a man has a track record of treating his girlfriends badly, I never think that I'm going to be the one to change him, tame him, make him the nice guy that I want him to be. This leads me to the next reason people often avoid a "nice" relationship -- how many of you have been certain that you would be the one to change your lover's mean streak? I have news for you. You can't change anyone. A mean person is a mean person is a mean person.
So what's a nice person to do?
Men, I'm going to let you in on some of the things women aren't going to tell you. Some of these may seem callous or superficial, but I'm taking this directly from conversations I've had over the years with my female friends. Absorb this information, because it might one day be the difference between finding a date and choosing between the candidates.
A woman wants a Man. Not a man, but a Man. Maybe it comes from some primal instinct, but we want a Man who will be our protector as well as all the wonderful touchy-feely stuff. If you want to show a woman that you're a Man and not a man, you need to demonstrate this for her. A nice guy will make the mistake of fixing and lifting to prove his masculinity, not realizing that this is the equivalent of the fetch-and-carry. You have to go bigger than that. I'm not telling you to beat someone up, but the woman you desire needs to believe that you could if you wanted to and you're only waiting for her to ask. Start by finding little ways to verbally defend her honor. Don't take it any further. As soon as you lay a hand on someone, you're a bully. The illusion that you're barely holding yourself back will make you much more desirable. Clench your fists, but keep them at your sides.
We love that you're trying so hard to be physically pleasing by working out and manscaping (think landscaping for hairy men). But if you want to concentrate on the areas a woman will appreciate, you need to think like a woman -- temporarily. I can tell you from experience that a woman will often check out a man's shoulders before anything else. There's just something about a fit upper body that screams oh-so-manly. If you're simply not built that way, there are other ways to cancel out the Nice. Let your hands get a bit callused because a man with soft hands is a man, not a Man. Rough palms lead a woman to think about the physical and not about the Nice. Exchange those tennies for work boots. It would certainly make me wonder what mountain you're planning to climb today. I might even be tempted to swoon a bit.
Think about what you'd like to say to a woman you're attracted to, and then cut that in half. And then cut it in half again. The more you talk, the more you're going to spew Nice all over her. She needs to see you as a Man first, and a Nice Man later. Let her do the talking and listen, listen, listen. Avoid telling her that it's hard for you to meet women because you're a nice guy, and don't appear to be too eager. We place value on those things that we must work for, and dating is no different. You can show interest without appearing to be too interested. If you leave a woman wondering about your intentions, you leave a woman wondering...about you. And if her mind is on you, it's not on someone else. When you've won her, you can relax a bit and let your Nice roam free. Never lie to her in order to make her think you're less nice than you are. Instead, if you can't think of something that's not Nice Guy to say to her, ask her a question. When in doubt, ask questions.
Often, women equate being nice with being predictable, so don't be predictable. My friend Laura works out regularly (I can't help but admire her dedication to fitness and her discipline in maintaining her physique) and tends to see the same men at the gym at the same time. When someone she has her eye on doesn't show up at the gym at the regularly scheduled time, she tends to wonder where he is and why he's not there. Wherever it is that you've met this woman, change up your schedule so that your absence is on her mind. She can't miss you if you're always there, and if she thinks that she may not run into you again, you now have a prime opportunity to get contact information. Being unpredictable doesn't mean being a flake. Don't stand her up or show up late -- that's just obnoxious. But if she thinks that your first date is going to be at a boring restaurant with the boring follow-up activity, invite her to play miniature golf instead. Take her to a sporting event and let the game stay in the background while you use that time to get to know her. If you happen to be enamored of a particular team in a specific sport, this is a good way to show her that you can not only prioritize a relationship with your interest in sports, but that you want to include her in the things you enjoy doing. When a man brings me to a place that's important to him, I feel special. It's as simple as that.
How many of us want what we can't have? Yes, finally, I'm talking about sex. Men, this is where your Nice will come in handy. (Keep in mind that this advice is for nice guys who seek a real connection and not for those who just want sex. If it's just the sex you want, many of the steps I'm about to explain aren't even necessary.) Because you're a nice guy who is looking for a relationship rather than a hook up, avoid having sex too soon. Hold out just a little longer than you think you can. The idea is to show her that you want her but that she's not just an outlet for sex to you. We may pretend that we feel desirable when you're pawing at us on the first date, but later, the word "used" comes to mind. First of all, you need to determine exactly what gives her goose bumps before you get her clothes off. We women like our seduction with a generous helping of wooing. If you're a man whose performance is affected by how nervous you are (and we all tend to be more uncertain with someone we really like), then you have no choice but to take it slowly. We regard your performance snafus very personally, by the way. We are certain we're at fault if you can't...or if you can't last. We assume that it's us and not you. So hold back a little until you mapped out the territory and have gotten to know her.
Be a nice guy, but let your Nice out a little at a time.
Embracing the Nice,
D
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