Can A Person Be Stolen?

Dear Neighbors:

A topic has been weighing on my mind for a while now. I've hesitated in posting this because it tends to be a bit, well, offensive. When I was younger, I believed that relationships, especially marriages, should be considered sacred. If two people chose to be together, everyone else should leave them alone and stay the hell out of it. I don't really think that way anymore. I don't believe in "true love", that there is one person for everyone, or that there are such things as "soulmates". The truth is that when that attraction hits -- there's nothing we can do about it. If it's appropriate and reciprocated, great. If it isn't and it definitely isn't, there's nothing we can do about it. Nothing except resist, resist, resist. And where does resistance get us, other than unhappy and alone?

What is it that draws us to another person in a way that we can't control? I sure can't figure it out. Instead of being attracted to men who are appropriate, reasonable and "good" for me, I am inexplicably drawn to those who are going to break my heart into a million little pieces. I'm still putting mine back together (I need more glue and maybe some replacement parts. E-Bay? Amazon? Craigslist?).

And sometimes, I probably deserve it. Poor choices, as we say at work.

What I'm getting at is this -- there seem to be two camps on the issue of marital affairs and "stealing" someone.

#1 Hands off! You Stole My Man/Woman!
I'm not including serial cheaters here. This is that one-time, "I just couldn't help myself" cheater/leaver. Some people believe that when a person steps out in a relationship or leaves altogether, it's the fault of the cheater and the person cheated with. Let's call that person the cheetah, ha ha ha. So the cheater and the cheetah just want each other and eventually, they leave the other person in the lonely, self-righteous dust of CheatedOnVille. Can we really blame the cheater and the cheetah? For those of you who insist on the "soulmate" crap, what if the first person wasn't the soulmate and the second person was? And how the heck would you know? I don't advocate cheating, but I do support getting out of a relationship openly and honestly if it just isn't working out. Attracted to someone else? Tell your spouse. Which leads me to...

#2 If You Were Taking Care of Him/Her, He/She'd Still Be Yours
This is where I'm leaning these days. Having seen marriage through the eyes of those who...uh...weren't being taken care of, I can understand how one might be tempted to look elsewhere. After all, if one's spouse isn't emotionally responsive, if they don't like the same movies or to do the same activities, one can seek out a friend or family member to participate. But what does that spouse do about physical affection -- from the hugs, the hand-holding, kissing and most importantly, sex? If a spouse is withholding these things, how can he or she expect the other to be faithful?

The bottom line is that if you're with a perpetual cheater in search of a cheetah, stop kicking yourself. There's nothing you can do and the cheater does not identify him/herself in time to prevent the hurt.

If you're in the other category, however, you might want to reconsider your approach to your relationship. If you don't, someone else will. I guarantee it.

D