Dear Neighbors:
It has occurred to me lately that I've been lacking the snark with which I began this blog. I've been more concerned about hurting people's feelings than I have with being myself. Today, a friend suggested that I bring my laptop to a local coffee shop, observe, and let the snark come to me.
Why do people have conversations in front of doors? I don't understand this at all. Right now, there are two stupid older couples who have been having a long catch-up right in front of the only door. They've been there for at least ten minutes now. Lucky for them, no one has tried to get in and out. Oh, wait, someone is approaching the door, and now the group is shuffling off to the right. Now they're blocking a few tables. Which, of course, means that when those people are ready to leave, they'll have to shuffle away again. When did people become so unobservant of others? I personally don't give a fuck if one of them has a new granddaughter and that she's the first girl in the family, blah blah blah. Have that conversation somewhere else. Like in the oh-so-conveniently placed couches, chairs and stools. Don't have that conversation right next to my table when you can see that I'm writing (as is the guy sitting near me). It's not all about you. And keep your damned voices down. We don't all want to listen to your conversation. I'm sure if I jumped in and offered my opinion, you'd be taken aback.
When did Starbucks = kid friendly? There are several groups in here who have kids. These kids are jumping up and down on the couch and the chairs and shaking the table while I'm trying to write this. I've had to backspace a few times now because my fingers keep hitting the wrong keys. And the kids are drinking some sort of coffee product! Why? Why would you do that? You know that in a few hours, you're going to want your kid to settle down. It's not going to happen because you've just infused him with enough caffeine to get him through an 8-hour work day (it seems that one of the women has three kids. One of them works at the Stater Brothers here in Apple Valley, another is working at the movie theatre and doing pretty well though she really hates the late hours with her college schedule...see what I mean? Why do I need to have this information? SHUT UP!!!). The kids who don't have an electronic device on which to distract themselves are running around and irritating the hell out of me. There's a McDonald's across the street with a playground. How did Starbucks win over that?
The older couples have finally made their way to the counter to place their orders. Seriously? They stood around all that time and didn't even order anything? What a freaking waste of time. One of them actually said, "I guess we should order something now," as if it was an afterthought. As if one usually goes to Starbucks to hang out. It's a business, people! A business!
Now there's a younger couple with two kids. The couple is all over each other, because apparently it's impossible to stand next to each other without placing one's hand on the other's ass. There's some sort of life force that runs between the two of them and if he releases contact for a moment, he'll drop dead. I've never heard of a life force that runs out of someone's ass and through her jeans, but I believe it's true because his hand hasn't left her ass since they started standing in line. One of the kids doesn't look old enough to cross the street on his own -- I hope to hell he's getting hot chocolate or apple cider. Don't give that little boy coffee, dammit! One of the coffee-infused children is now bouncing up and down in his seat while slamming his feet on the floor. Good call, parents! Your kid is now so jittery that he couldn't sit still if he wanted to. And I doubt he wants to. The parents are passing an iPod or some such device back and forth between themselves. It's not entirely necessary because I can hear the music from here. Turn it down! That's what the earbuds are for! One of the kids just dramatically threw his cup away by shaking it all over the place, sending small splatters of whatever it was he was drinking all over the floor before finally throwing it in the trash. Parents are unconcerned.
So now, the coffee-infused children are bugging their parents because they've finally bored of jumping up and down on the chairs and running around the room. Mom keeps shaking her head "no" and Dad keeps trying to get them to go somewhere else. This is why one of the boys is playing with the coffee cup sleeves and the other is trying to stack as many bags of Blonde Roast as he can...on his head. Oh, wait -- the employees have asked him to stop.
The young couple and their kids are leaving. Here's the shock of the day: the kids just thanked their dad for their drinks. Awww. How precious. With that, I leave you and I'm leaving Starbucks.
Fully Snarked,
D
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