Whoring Myself Out

Dear Neighbors:

Today, I was thinking about the 320 pages I wrote which I'm calling Tales From My Singlehood. I've spent the last year trying to find an agent and a publisher, but so far I've had no luck with that. So I'm going to pursue it on Amazon/Kindle and see what happens. Be prepared for me to bug you about buying it in e-book form!

I love being a teacher, but I hate being broke all the time. Therefore, I've decided that I need to come up with some jobs I can do on the side to make some extra cash.

1. Line Stander

Who loves standing in line? Anyone? Why not hire someone to do it for you? There are going to be times, long before the next holiday shopping season, when the only thing standing in the way of getting what you want is the line stretching out in front of you. I'll do it. I'll stand in line for you. Concert tickets? No problem. Groceries? Got it. Sale at Macy's? I'm your woman. Let's not forget the pharmacy, picking up the animal at the vet, or picking up the kids from the birthday party that never seems to end. I can wait around. I really have nothing else to do.

2. Awkward Letter Writer

There comes a time in one's life when one must write an Awkward letter, text or e-mail. The purpose might be to give an excuse about why you can't attend Sally's Fabulous Make Up Party or why you don't want to go out with Herb of the Smelly Armpits again. This is where I come in.

That Herb...he's one in a million.

Who can argue with that?

Or that?

3. Gas Getter and Car Washer

My mom absolutely hates getting gas and going through the hassle of getting her car washed. For her, I'm happy to take care of it free of charge. For you, there may be a small fee. But if you want the convenience of getting the lower price and not waiting forever behind a bunch of rude people who will race to you the next available pump, you can hire me to do that for you. Seriously. I don't mind. As for washing your car, if you're okay with the fact that it will probably rain the next day, I'll be happy to take care of that for you as well.

4. Entertaining Your Significant Other Doing Things You Hate

No, not that. 

However, I know there are things that your guy likes to do that you don't. Take action and horror movies, for example. You want to see a nice romantic comedy (ugh!) and he's dying to see the latest action flick. You don't necessarily want to send him alone, but you'd rather do anything than see it with him. Send me. I like guy movies. I get them. While you'd have to pay me in popcorn and a variety of illegal substances to get me to see a chick flick in a theater, I'd be happy to see an action movie. After all, they belong on the big screen. Same goes for any event in which he wants or needs to go somewhere and you'd rather stay home. I can stand in for you and ensure that no other woman gets close to him. Anyone for "Mission Impossible"?

5. Waiting Around For the Cable Guy/Repairman

I can only do this on the weekends, but if you have something you'd rather be doing and you have the cable guy coming sometime between 8 and 4 (what's up with that, anyway?) I can come over and hang out while fixes the problem.

6. The Laundromat

I realize that some of you have your own personal access to a washer and dryer, but if you don't, you can hire me to go to the laundromat for you. I can do your fifteen loads simultaneously while writing fabulous, witty blogs while I wait. I have my own laundry to do as well, and the company is second to none. I'm not sure which is my favorite -- the parents who let their kids run around and play with the carts that I need to transport my sheets from the washer to the dryer, or the upper dryer hoarders who no sooner put their stuff in the washer before they're saving the top dryers...just in case. 

Not my sheet, but I can do this, too!

Not only will I get your laundry done, but I rock at folding. My mom recently gave me a refresher course on folding the fitted sheet and I must say -- I learned well. 

If you have your own facilities and just don't want to do it, I'd be happy to come over and do it for you (Christine?). 

7. Phone Calls

The IRS's GOAL is a wait time of 12 minutes. What is it now?

I can't call your mother for you or your step-uncle-in-law, but I can call Verizon to ask what the *&^* happened on your bill, the landlord to explain the reason why your rent is going to be late (again), or the I.R.S. regarding that little tax situation that requires you to be on the phone for what seems like forever (check out Forbes.com) before you even get to speak to a live person. Given the advances in three-way calling, I can always pick up the phone and call for you and send you an e-mail when it's time for you to pick up. 

8. Intelligent Discussion Material Gatherer

You arrive at a party and find that the other guests are talking about the upcoming Iowa caucus. You remember that there is a caucus in Iowa and you vaguely recall that Iowa always gets to go first. You might even be able to name some of the Republican candidates. 

But that's it. That's the extent of your knowledge, having spent your week working and doing all those things that normal adults do. You can excuse yourself to the restroom to Google information on your phone, but chances are that they group will have moved on to an entirely different topic of conversation by the time you return. What to do, what to do?

Here's a basis on which to challenge it -- Iowa's population is 94% white.

When you accept the invitation, you call me and let me know what kind of people will be at the party and the type of things you'd like to be able to discuss with them. I can take over from there by doing some research for you. You'll arrive at that party reading not only to participate in the conversation, but to start it yourself. I'll e-mail you all of the relevant talking points so that you'll never have to worry about losing track of your thoughts. And the other guests? They'll be the ones rushing to the restroom to access Google to save face.

If you're lacking time and have some extra cash, get in touch. Doro to the rescue!

Ready To Help

(for a fee),

D