Ms. Single's Neighborhood: Just Playing

Dear Neighbors:

Since I don't spend much time in relationships of my own, I get to spend a lot of time observing yours. I tend to point out things that worry me. In response, you usually tell me that there is no way I can possibly know what goes on behind closed doors. Except that when it comes to reading people and situations, I'm good. Actually, I'm better than good. When I was younger, I had an uncanny ability to tell the good guys from the bad guys. Not that it mattered to my female friends. Sometimes, the badder, the better.

Men have different needs and different buttons that can be pushed to induce the same amount of interest. Unfortunately, men are very similar to women when it comes to falling hard and falling blindly. In the last 15 years, I have discovered that women will do just about anything to get and keep a man. Sometimes, it's just scary. Over the years, I've counseled and comforted many a male friend as he discovered that the woman he thought was going to be The One was only The One With The Really Good Story.

Women play games, too. In case you didn't know.

Men and women take different approaches to attracting the opposite sex dishonestly. Men do it by making promises they don't intend to fulfill and then moving on to the Next Hot Thing Who Will Make Me Look Like The Man For Being Able To ________ Her. Women, however, know that they must work the sympathy angle in order to keep a man interested. Men have a need to take care of women and women know how to play that.

Refer to the following chart...anything look familiar?

What She Tells You	What She’s Saying	What You Should Do
I’ll never trust a man because my: a. dad walked out on me b. ex-boyfriend left me	If she says that loudly and often enough, you’ll challenge yourself to be the man she can count on. Even if she's not worth the effort. You’ll stick around because you don’t want to be the main character in her next “I’ll never trust a man again…” drama.	Wait until she’s had a significant amount of therapy (or has stopped lying to you) before you engage. And for the love of all that’s genuine – don’t have sex with her!
I’ll probably never be able to have children.	This is Reverse Psychology For Idiots. As long as a woman tells you that children are not an option, you’re going to become desperate to knock her up. When it happens, it will be a miracle! And you’ll be paying child support. Mazel Tov.	Don’t have sex with her. And when you do, because you know you will, use a condom. She’s going to get pregnant at the first opportunity and you’re going to think it’s a miracle. It’s not – it’s biology.
I like everything that you like!	She can’t stand anything that you enjoy. She hates your music, your hobbies, your favorite sports, all of your friends and especially your family. However, she’s going to listen to Yanni, read Tom Clancy, memorize the Patriots roster and start hanging out with your sister.	Let her off the hook early and tell her it doesn’t matter if she likes what you like. It’s not a bad thing to get invested in your interests, even if she’s faking it. However, if this is her game with every boyfriend, you’ll never really know the woman you’re dating. If she doesn’t know what she likes, how do you know she likes YOU?
My life is so sad. My parents beat me, my dog ran away, my boss hates me for no reason and I’m only drinking/snorting an eightball because my life is so sad.	This isn’t a cry for help – it’s a request for adoption. When a woman brings up her baggage right away, it’s because she wants you to carry it for her. She’s not going to change anything, but from now on, her problems are your problems.	You’re going to want to rescue her by taking her away from her parents, finding her dog, and either drinking/snorting with her or convincing her that you’re going to make her so happy that she’ll never want to abuse another substance. All that’s going to happen is that her problems are going to be your problems and instead of hearing about her addictions, you’re going to pay for them. As well as everything else. Get a second job.

I'm not saying all women are bad. I'm not even saying most are. What I am saying is that if you hear any of the above lines...you're being played. When I tell you that she's full of shit, avoid telling me that

She's my girlfriend, of course I'm not going to use a condom;
She's drinking because she's sad. I'm going to make her happy and she'll magically stop drinking;
We have so much in common! You must be jealous because you hate Yanni;
She's had a sad, sad life and I'm going to make it all better;
Everyone let her down and I'll never do that -- even if she ruins my life in order to prove it.