Roommates: I'd Rather Be Homeless

Dear Neighbors:

For the first time, I'm typing this blog wirelessly. I know, what's the big deal, right? Everyone has a wireless router now. I've lived in my current residence for just over 2 years and I've plugged into the modem the old-fashioned way. I didn't need a router; I had just one laptop and one place I liked to use it. These days, I have a laptop that I like to use in two different places in my apartment as well as an iPad that, of course, is only wireless. In the past when I've wanted to download books or upgrade my games, I've either done so at work or taken it to Starbucks.

My landlord likes to make jokes about all of the wires on the floor, but I usually ignore him. Still, it's time to go wireless. While I was at Target, browsing the available routers, a question occurred to me: What happened to my last router? And then I remembered: my last roommate has it.

Which brings me to my topic today...roommates. There comes a time in one's life when the only thing keeping us from being homeless is the willingness to live with other people. After my last layoff in 2008, I moved into a house with two other roommates. The woman on the lease, we'll call her Boobs, had been a friend of my brother. The other roommate, Michael, was due to move in shortly after I did. Calling her Boobs is fair; six months earlier, she had increased her breast size from almost completely flat to Pamela Anderson. I felt bad for her; I simply don't understand the need to go larger than a D.

When I moved in, I thought I had asked the right questions, but it turns out that there are questions that one never knows to ask. Such as:

• Do you have a crazy ex-boyfriend with whom you share a child that doesn't live with either of you who will show up constantly to raid your underwear drawer so that you can't wear it for anyone else? And will you readily accept his apologies and pretend nothing happened the next day? Will you ignore my requests that he not be in the house when you're not?
• If a roommate leaves, will you replace him with a loser who won't pay his share of the rent or bills, make so much noise that I can't sleep, bring over every skank in the area and either steal or destroy everyone else's property? 
• Do you understand that I'm a teacher and cannot live in a house where underage drinking/ screwing is taking place?
• When you're out of weed, will you treat me like shit and nitpick on every little thing that bothers you about me? And when you have weed again, will you act like I'm the best thing that ever happened to you?

Just asking.

While you may not be able to predict everything that can happen in a roommate situation, you can take some precautions.

1. Get everything in writing. 

There is no such thing as trust when it comes to roommates. I'm going to repeat that, because it's important: There is no such thing as trust when it comes to roommates. One day you're the best of friends, and the next day you find that someone threw out your food and war is declared. Any information that relates to money must be included in the lease agreement, particularly the circumstances under which you can get your deposit back when it's time to leave. I suggest a small, non-refundable deposit that will cover cleaning and any damage. When I left Boobs' house, she tried to change the terms of our original agreement, in spite of the fact that I had it in writing. Knowing that I didn't want to take the time or effort to get my deposit back after the fact, I deducted it from the amount that I left for that month's bills. I also left the room clean and the carpet vacuumed. Still, she tried to blame me for household damage that she'd also tried to blame on two previous roommates. Even though those two previous roommates had left with no notice and a completely trashed/smelly room, I had given her two month's notice and a room she could have rented out that very day. And she treated me like shit all the way out the door. As I said, there is no such thing as trust.

2. Research, research, research.

Speak to a few neighbors and ask some questions: Is the residence particularly noisy? Are there frequent parties/people coming and going at all hours? Find out if the local police has been called to the residence and under what circumstances. A little effort now will save your sanity later.

3. Think twice about donating any of your belongings to be used by the household.

I still have damage to my beautiful red couch -- both by Boobs' youngest child and Loser Mike moving it from the living room to the garage just before I moved out. Michael, the first roommate, ruined some of my pots & pans as well as my favorite mixing bowl. Once it becomes common property, you might as well kiss it goodbye.

4. Accept that if anyone has a significant other, they will be a freeloading part of the household. 

It never fails. Michael's 19 year-old girlfriend was at the house every weekend for a 4-day weekend. My question: Why do we have an extra roommate who stays more than half the week and doesn't have to contribute? was always answered with a nasty comment...at least until Boobs was out of weed again and would ask Michael that question herself. In a roommate situation, it should be common sense that because the house, bills and responsibilities are being divided, frequent and long-term guests are a drain on the household resources. If I were financially flush, I wouldn't be living with roommates to begin with. Duh.

If you're the one seeking out roommates to help with the rent, ask yourself these questions first:

• Is there any possible way that I can get by without sharing my home with anyone else?
• What can I live with? In other words, what are my deal-breakers?
• What are my personal needs (quiet, no drugs in the house, lots of drugs in the house...)

Warning Signs: When To Say "Hell, No!":

1. When he or she needs to move in right away but doesn't want you to talk to the current landlord. After Michael and Robert, we had Loser Mike. He needed a place right away because his current roommate was kicking him out. Having had no notice from the previous roommate, Boobs agreed to allow him to move in.

2. When he/she does not have a job.

Alimony, annuities, royalties, and other mysterious forms of income do not count as jobs. If your potential roommate does not have a j - o - b, say hell no.

3. When you're presented with the most convoluted story EVER. 

"I lost my place because the Geico gekko moved in and lowered my insurance almost 10% and then Santa Claus came down the chimney and broke it and my landlord blamed it on me and then my boss decided that he didn't want anyone better looking than him working for him so I got fired and my girlfriend dumped me for another chick and now I'm living in my car..."

4. When there's no money upfront.

If there's no money upfront, you will never, ever see a dime. Do not allow anyone to move in until you have cash in hand or the check has cleared. Why, you ask? Just watch:

I'm just saying...it could happen.

Roommates -- when you absolutely, positively, can't afford to live on your own.

Happily roommate-less,

D