But You Did!

Dear Neighbors:

I've made no secret of the fact that I would love to have a child before it's too late for me. One of the things I have to consider is what to teach this child and when. The most contentious issue that I find is the debate over teaching kids about sex -- what to teach them, when to teach it, and how much to reveal. I understand that parents have to consider their own values and the rules involved in their individual religious affiliations. In my opinion, none of this matters when it comes to educating children. I see it this way -- if you bought a car and didn't have the owner's manual, just how effective would you be at maintaining this vehicle? What would you do if you needed to know how to refill the oil, you couldn't locate the oil reservoir, and you weren't permitted to take it to a mechanic? You'd guess and hope that you got it right.

That's the way I would describe abstinence-only programs. These programs teach kids that the only way to prevent pregnancy and STD's is by not having sex in the first place, and encouraging them to wait for marriage. Some say that this method is effective while other studies show that, especially in Texas (where Bush promoted this program) the teen pregnancy rate has actually increased. The fear, of course, is that explaining the details might encourage kids to go ahead and have sex because it's fine if they're protected. This isn't an irrational fear at all -- how many of you have stepped on the brakes when you realized that neither of you had a condom on hand? You knew that the condom was the line between sex and no sex; the problem is that a teenager who has only been taught to wait for marriage has no such information. 

Teenagers already have all of the tools they need to have sex, to produce children, and to acquire diseases. What they need is the handbook that makes sense of all of this. On a personal note, I think that waiting for marriage is ridiculous and foolish. You wouldn't wait until marriage to find out if your partner has an addiction, doesn't have a job or has an extensive prison record, would you? Why wait to find out that you're not sexually compatible? Some of this stems from the idea that sex is dirty, sexual desire is sinful, or that our bodies are just portals for evil that we must resist. All lies.  Sexual desire is natural. There's nothing wrong with it and it shouldn't be a taboo topic. I don't think that teenagers should be having sex at all, but they do need to be educated about it. This education doesn't necessarily have to take place in a classroom. I would much rather be the main source of information for my future child so that he or she is comfortable in coming to me to ask questions. 

Teens should know:

1. How and why to use a condom. Practice (for girls -- on something other than an actual penis, of course) makes perfect. They should know what a condom protects against and what it doesn't.

2. Other methods of birth control. There are plenty of methods out there and teens need to be aware of all of them. They need to know what each type does, what it doesn't do, how it works, and the risks involved. The Catholic church is very fond of the rhythm method, which involves charting a woman's cycle and not having sex during those fertile times. It's specific and scientific and doesn't always work. However, it's a handy additional tool. Every teenage girl must learn about her body and how her reproductive system works. Combining actual birth control with proper planning means that when it's the right time to have sex or to get pregnant, she will be armed with all of the information she needs. 

3. Which sexually transmitted diseases exist, how to prevent them, and how to spot the warning signs. Two diseases in particular make even the most promiscuous of adults think twice about sex -- AIDS and herpes. They're permanent and the stigma can often feel unbearable. AIDS can be managed but not cured and anyone who is sexually active is susceptible. In addition, too many women find out too late that they contracted HPV and will spend the rest of their lives having cancer cells painfully removed as a result. Teenagers must be aware that anyone can have a disease and just because he or she seems nice and swears to have been tested recently doesn't mean that it's true. They must be taught to be careful with any sexual partner, and pushing abstinence without information is ineffective in that regard. This is about your child's health -- why take any chances? Teach both simultaneously.

4. Being a teenage mother not only isn't fun, but it limits the teenager's options for the future. I love the Baby Think It Over program, where teens must care for a doll all day, every day. The doll is programmed to do the things that babies do -- and if the teen takes too long in tending to the baby, this information is recorded and he or she will receive a detailed report on their parenting skills. If the teen wants to do something without the doll, he or she must find a babysitter. If the doll cries in the middle of the night, the teen gets to lose some sleep. It's not all baby showers and cute outfits and teenagers need to know that. Teenage mothers often end up alone when the father continues living his life without her. She can require child support (after he turns 18), but she can't force him to be a father. The responsibility is hers alone.

5. How to say NO and mean it. Teens should know that they can always say no to sex. They need to be taught to resist the pressure, most particularly the lines they will most commonly hear: If you loved me, you would; everyone else is doing it; you can't stay a virgin forever, etc. Engage them peer-pressure role-playing activities so they can practice how to say no if they choose. It's far too easy to give in than to resist. Teenage hormones are a wicked beast!

There is no reason you can't teach your child the importance of abstinence while still making sure that he or she is fully informed of the risks. They won't be your little ones forever; but their little ones will be your responsibility if you don't educate, educate, educate. 

Already Planning "The Talk",

D