My Retirement

Dear Neighbors:

First, allow me to apologize for taking so long to post a new blog. I've been busy, tired, and dealing with the strangest case of tendonitis in my foot, so needless to say I've felt a bit uninspired.

Not so much today.

As you can see from the title, I've recently retired -- from attending weddings and showers (no, not from work. I'll be able to retire when I'm 90.). I'm ready to accept my gold watch and stay home from these irritatingly heartwarmingly nauseating events. Yes, I know. I'm mean and bitter. Fine. We've established that.

When I was younger, I dutifully attended engagement parties, weddings, anniversary parties, bridal showers and baby showers. I did it all -- I RSVP'd, I purchased from the registry (except for the organic shower because if you can afford to go all-organic, you don't need a gift from me), I played the games (even won a few) and tallied the gift list for the bride or mother-to-be. I've crocheted blankets and made The Cake and bought my own bridesmaid's dress even though it was an exceptional waste of my hard-earned money.

It's always nice to be celebrated, isn't it? Is it? I wouldn't know.

Now I'm going to talk about The Thing We Don't Talk About Because It Sounds Really, Really, Really Bad.

I propose that we renegotiate our standard rule of We Only Throw You A Party And Give You Nice Gifts If You Land A Spouse Or Have A Kid. It's unfair to people like me, those who will probably never do either. I appreciate the knick-knacks, cute birthday cards and fuzzy socks, but the lack of a husband means that I get to buy the big stuff on my own. If I want silverware that doesn't look a little funny after it's been in the dishwasher, I'm never going to get it as a gift. Is it my fault that I'm simply not compatible with anyone I've met? Should I be blamed for refusing to have a child that I can't afford to support on my own?

If you're married, you're probably smugly nodding and thinking to yourself that I'm just bitter. So I am. I have a right to be. I've attended all these events for years thinking that eventually, it would be me. Everyone said so, right? There's someone for everyone and all that.

But what if there isn't? Should I continue to attend events and spend my money on others knowing that no one will EVER have a reason to throw such a party for me? Sorry. No can do. I'd rather be bitter at home than bitter among the marrieds. I would rather save for a bread maker than buy one for a married these days. You have a dual income. You buy it.

Here's my proposal:

We need to stop treating marriage and children as an accomplishment. Don't worry -- I have new, more relevant milestones that should be celebrated:

First job
Getting one's own health insurance
Getting fired from first job
First unemployment check
First residence without roommates
Buying a home
Not giving a f*^k anymore

See where I'm going with this? Let's celebrate accomplishments instead of rewarding fortune with more fortune.

In the meantime, I'm ending my twenty years of faithful service to the marrieds and the mommies by retiring.

For reals.

D